Third Floor

[The following is a performance evaluation of Agent Giggles written by her supervisor, Agent Smiles.]

 

I, Agent Smiles, operator of human relations, peacemaker, and devout follower of Choose Happiness™!, have come to conclusion that we must remove Agent Giggles.

I do not know why I got my hopes up with this one. She consistently disappointed and allowed her optimist too much leeway. It is almost as if she enjoys that her optimist is Depressed. I have come across far too many agents like her and in order for our operation to succeed, we need to cut the fat.

If recollection serves me right, and it always does, Agent Giggles was recruited from the German branch of Choose Happiness™! She was selected for her skills as a chef and innovator in the kitchen. She could make anything taste delicious. Roadkill, rotten fruit, decaying meat - she made it taste like we were eating at a five-star restaurant. I was personally impressed and we all felt she would make an excellent addition to the third floor.

Her appearance left something to be desired. She had a sullen face and broad cheeks. Before she could start at our headquarters, she had to be fitted with the Smile Machine. For agents not familiar, it is a common training tool we use in the United States. The Smile Machine is a contraption that brightens the demeanor of an agent. A band slips over the ears and two hooks are inserted into the sides of the mouth. The band is then tightened to increase smile potential.

She was a quick learner. Agent Giggles graduated from the Smile Machine in only four weeks, ten weeks quicker than most. A pleasant side-effect was that, because of the forced drooling and lack of teeth movement, she lost almost fifteen pounds. You can never be too thin, as you all know.

Unfortunately, she was not the Agent I hoped she would be. My precious intuition failed me. I will repent for what I have done, as will everyone who works for me.

Her very first assignment went smoothly, I will admit. She was preparing meals for one of our gluttonous optimists. She created her meals in such a way that made him think he was eating everything he wanted, but was actually eating only three hundred calories a day. He grew more and more Happy as the pounds melted away. It was a remarkable sight. The bones began to show. They pressed against his flesh as if they wanted to escape. His skin sagged like those naughty frowns we do not allow. His hair fell out. He overcame his gluttony quickly, weighing in at ninety pounds.

It was disappointing that he could not maintain his Happiness, but his ribs made an excellent Fulfillment the next evening.

Agent Giggles' most recent assignment did not go as smoothly as the last, to say the least.

She was to prepare third floor meals for optimist #104. #104 has shown some signs of Sadness, which, of course, cannot be tolerated. Although gluttony was not her particular problem, it was of the utmost importance to keep her Happy. We learned that she knew a man who failed on the second floor. #104 was concerned that, perhaps, Choose Happiness™! was not for her. This could not stand.

I, myself, had a serious conversation with Agent Giggles. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that optimist #104 could not consume over five hundred calories a day. She had to feel hungry at all times. This hunger, as we know, would fuel her enthusiasm for the program. Agent Giggles agreed to this assignment. I remember her smile clearly, cheeks still scarred from the Smile Machine.

The first few days went well. #104 requested more Fulfillment, but was denied. She complained to multiple Agents, who all repeated the lines we have practiced. "You'll never be hungry if you are Happy." I was told she cried herself to sleep. This, of course, was wonderful news.

But Agent Giggles decided, on her own, to change the program for #104. An informant let me know that #104 spoke to Agent Giggles and introduced herself with her old name. Blasphemous! Agent Giggles at first resisted this breach of protocol, but soon began to connect with #104, even revealing her own old name. This alone is cause for annihilation.

She began feeding #104 extra food in the night, when she thought no one would see. #104 stopped crying in her bed. She stayed late during Fulfillment to learn German words from Agent Giggles, including banned words (murder, death, cult.)

I am shaking as I type this. My anger is quelled only by my Happiness. I trust the program and know firsthand the glory of Choose Happiness™!. To see one of my Agents disregard protocol so drastically is excruciating to me.

My recommendation: Immediately remove Agent Giggles from her post and replace her with Agent Tickles. Although young, Agent Tickles is a true believer. As far as Therapy, I would like to see Agent Giggles utilize the Grinner. This is the only way I can feel Happy. I want her to feel Happy again. This is the only way.

 

Signed,

Agent Smiles

 

[Agent Giggles was remanded to the Grinner just as Agent Smiles requested. The Grinner is, of course, the extreme version of the Smile Machine. She was hung by her lips ten feet in the air, smiling wider than she ever had in her life. Unfortunately, her smile was not strong enough and her face ripped. The fall was what broke her back. The blood loss ended her life. It is truly ceremonious that she could be returned to Fulfillment and finish the circle.]

[#104 was placed back on the correct diet and moved to the fourth floor, where she will be safe.]