Multi-Chapter Stories

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A Day in the Life of a Holder

So, with the advent of the internet, all of us Holders are being allowed to post instructions on how to get our Objects. I've been looking at some of your reactions to other Holders' posts, and let me tell you: You're all a bunch of crybabies! You Seekers may think you have it rough, with all the mutilation and mind-screwing and everything, but we Holders have it much, much harder than you. Take me for example:

I'm writing to you from a mental institution. Why did it have to be a mental institution? I'm perfectly sane! If it's a creepy atmosphere they wanted, I would very much have preferred an isolated, abandoned mansion or a castle in the middle of nowhere. But, alas, the Powers That Be decided that a mental institution would be perfect symbolism for sanity slippage, which they described as the "overarching theme of the story of a Seeker's journey", and that entailed locking me up in a tiny room in the back of some old, forgotten halfway house that only Seekers ever visit.

It wouldn't be a problem if I had anybody at all to talk to, but they wouldn't even give me that! No, they decided to make my room as hard to reach as possible. They went out of their way to bend the laws of physics in such a way that anyone who wants to visit me winds up exhausted by the time he or she reaches my door. That's not an exaggeration; that's really the requirement: the complex spells they cast on this godforsaken mental institution made the distance between the front door and my cell a variable directly dependent on the current Seeker's stamina. When my visitors get here, they're too tired to talk, and I'm obligated to kill them for not asking my question in time thanks to the lousy Holder's oath.

Of course, that's assuming that my Seekers get to me at all. You see, all that spellcasting that went on when this halfway house was formed managed to attract all sorts of demons and hell beasts that now roam the halls looking for food. Sure, they might have some exploitable weak points; I think it was something like, "Not being able to sense you if you hold your breath the whole way," but really, how the hell are you supposed to figure that out? Even ignoring that most people can't go for that long without breathing, I'd wager that eight out of ten visitors who come looking for me don't know that there are hell beasts in the hall at all, especially since they have to close their eyes the whole way.

Oh, yeah. I didn't mention that, did I? The walls of this institution are lined with paintings that can break your mind if you barely glance at them, so you need to keep your eyes shut on the way here. You might be thinking, "That just proves things are harder for us Seekers!" But you're wrong. The paintings and hell beasts don't just keep you from getting to me; they keep me from walking around! I can't navigate that stupidly long hallway any more easily than you can!

Nope! I'm just stuck here in my cell for all eternity, right next to the cell of some guy who just won't shut up. He's not even talking to me, because I would appreciate any form of conversation at this point. No, he just continuously chants ominously in ancient Sumerian 24 hours a day, seven days a week. When he does stop chanting, it's because he's off to kill some poor, unsuspecting Seeker for some stupid reason like stepping on the wrong floor tile on the way here, thus depriving me of conversation yet again.

In the last eighty years, I've had exactly one person reach my lair with enough breath in him to ask my question. I was so delighted that I went on for hours talking about my Object and the past Seekers who failed my trial and about deep, metaphysical concepts related to my Object... Only to find out that he had gone insane within the first ten minutes. I found out later that the Powers That Be cursed my voice to drive people insane. That's great, really. That means that if anybody wants to get my Object and leave alive, they are required to ignore me. I'm sure they just did that to spite me; I can't think of any other reason to do that.

So, yeah. Uh... My Object is number... something out of 538. Please come to find me soon. I really want some company.

Either the Holder of POH-TAY-TO or POH-TAH-TO

Go to a mental institution. Have a lengthy discussion about potatoes with the clerk. If, at any time, does the clerk mention something that would warrant the phrase "POH-TAY-TO POH-TAH-TO", then scream "POH-TAY-TO POH-TAH-TO!"

You will wake up the next day with a pohtayto in your hand.

This pohtahto is Object Two Three Four Six of Two Thousand, Five Hundred and Thirty Eight. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

The Holder of a Test of Nothing That You Couldn't Do

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. Go to the front desk, and ask the worker to see "The Holder of a Test of Nothing That (I) Couldn't Do". Make sure you say that it's a test that YOU can do easily, otherwise you're forcing the worker to take the test. She'll get her own Object and you'll be forced to find a new mental institution or halfway house. That would be brilliant, wouldn't it?

If you word it properly, time will stop, and you will be whisked from reality into a warped realm meant to test you to the limit of your abilities. Luckily enough, more often than not the test is ALWAYS passable, as it's a test of what you pretty much can do whenever you need to. If you actually DO fail the test, then it's because you were supposed to. The only way to truly fail is not to try at all, and that pretty much just means you're stuck in this reality forever. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the realm, so I will leave that decision to your discretion.

At the end of your tests, you will be placed back into reality, and the worker will hand you a package. In this package is a list of all the things you have done in life that you consider a failure, packed neatly with a list of dates and times these things happened and even Cliff Notes to help you understand the inherent nature of these failures.

This package is Object FAIL of 538. If only everything were so easy.

The Holder of Bad Wolf

In any hospital, in any city, in any country - well, okay, not ANY country. It has to be Britain 'cause nothing cool happens to America. To tell you the truth it can't be any city either. You pretty much get to pick between London or Cardiff. Sorry. But it can be any hospital if it makes you feel better. Where was I? Oh, yeah:

In any hospital in Cardiff or London in England or wherever - hell, I don't really give a shit - approach the front desk and ask for "The Holder of Bad Wolf". The woman, oh yeah, it should be a woman, because if it's a man, then you're at the wrong place. I KNOW I said "any", but it's really not "any", it's more like a select few. Yeah, it has to be a woman, and she has to be a blonde. And she has to be an older girl. Not like 40 or 50 by any means, but like late 20s, early 30s - Oh, wait, I lost my place - oh, wait, there we go.

The woman at the counter will look at you in disbelief, then repeat the phrase "Bad Wolf". She will proceed to give your face a good squeeze. As if trying to see with her hands. Let her do so, for if you attempt to stop her, well... hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. When she stops, she will ask you a question. "Why did you leave me?" Tears may fill her eyes. You must look at her and tell her that you had no other choice. You must highly smile at her and remind her of "That time with RoboCop." She'll look at you and smile back. She may ask you a question involving how many times you've come back. Look at her more seriously and say, "Over 9000," (or "1337" - either one works). She'll then look at you and ask, "Does this mean I can come back?" You must look at her and sadly shake your head, or say "no". She may ask you why you bother coming back; ignore this, and instead, turn and walk away.

When you get back to your mode of transportation, you will find a German Orifical Forges black leather jacket in your seat.

This black leather jacket is Object Duh of 538. It'll fetch a nice price on eBay.

The Holder of Black Holes

In any city, in any country, in any continent, on any planet, in any solar system, in any galaxy, in any universe, in any megaverse, in any ultraverse, go to any observatory you can get yourself to. There will be a man or woman dressed in a white lab coat. Ask to see someone who calls themselves "The Holder of Black Holes". The scientist will laugh at you at first, seeing as it is impossible for anyone to hold a black hole. Repeat the question in a more serious tone and the scientist will take you to a door.

When you open the door, you will find the closest part of your body to the door being stretched out by an incredible force, the rest of your body and, in fact, everything caught in the gravitational pull, will soon follow.

You shall soon realize that the source of this force is in fact a black hole. This is Object 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 of the infinite number of black holes in the multiverse. But since you will soon be dead, that doesn't really matter now.

If you are Mary-Sueish enough and somehow manage to survive and become the Holder of Black Holes, you will forever be pursued by Dr. Hax, who will throw computers at you for the rest of your life. But if you decided to take the black hole with you, it shouldn't really matter as the computers will be caught in the black hole's gravitational force, and in fact, so will everything and anything caught in the Event Horizon so you will be forever alone...

The Holder of Chu

In any city - No wait, he's in Ruckersville, Virginia, U.S.A.

Go to any mental institution - Actually scratch that, he still lives with his parents. Though it may be a good idea to check an asylum anyway, since he may be there by now.

Bring a jar of pickles, or wear a pickle costume. Just... trust me. It'll help.

Knock on the door. If you're lucky, the Holder himself may answer the door. You'll know by the combined force of the medallion and the stench.

If you're a woman, then you are especially brave for undertaking this task, because he WILL try to molest you. Keep your guard up.

Then again, he'll probably try to do the same thing if you're a man - he's bisexual - so you should still keep your guard up. This is where the pickle costume comes in.

Either way, though it goes against your every moral and survival instinct, flirt with him. Shamelessly. Flirt with the Holder until he can't resist you. The idea is to get his guard down.

If you can't sweet-talk him into handing over his medallion, brute force is fine too.

The yellow medallion is 1 of over 9000. However, your quest is not over.

There is a pink-and-black medallion too. Only when you have destroyed all of them can you say that you have completed this task.

The Holder of Cliches

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of" - ...Actually, I don't quite remember. I'll get back to you on that. Anyway some sort of emotion should appear on the receptionist's face, probably depending on what the dude is holding. Something like that. If the expression is... not the one that you want, then run away as fast as you can because they know you are here and they know what you want. You'll eventually find out if you've escaped or not.

If the expression is the one that you do want, the receptionist will lead you through an elaborate series of hallways and staircases and stuff until you reach some deep, hidden part of the building with nobody else around. Oh yea, and there are people chanting stuff in foreign languages too. Don't listen to them, 'cuz you'll go insane. If the chanting stops at any time, though, stop and immediately say... Er, I forgot again, sorry. But yeah... If the chanting continues after you say that phrase or whatever, just keep going. If the chanting doesn't continue, pray that your death be swift, preferably painless too, and make sure this prayer goes out to every god you've ever heard of, and a few goddesses too, even though one of them will be listening, I think.

Oh, I forgot to tell you! The walls are lined with cages containing... Demons? Beasts? Humans suffering cruel and unusual punishment and/or undergoing cruel and unusual experiments? It was something along those lines. Meh, it probably doesn't matter anyway. Just don't look at them, or you'll go insane. Or they'll come out and eat you (and/or your soul). One of those.

So, you'll eventually get to a door. Open it slowly and shut your eyes, I think. Or maybe you don't have to shut your eyes, but don't look at the writing on the walls. Wait... It could've been the Holder that you aren't supposed to look at. Or a part of the Holder. Yes, his eyes! Don't make eye contact with the Holder! No... It was the thing that he was holding that you weren't supposed to look at! Naw, I got it now; he's really sensitive about his acne, so don't stare at his face. Or possibly... You know what, it might just be advisable to shut your eyes altogether. Then again, you might actually need to look at something. In the meantime, just keep your eyes to yourself. If you look at something you're not supposed to look at, pray that your death be swift, as the next Seeker will find the room painted in your blood, if he's actually allowed to look at the room.

(note: I may be mistaken and you might just go insane if you look at things that you're not supposed to. That may or may not be good news depending on your personal preference.)

Back to the Holder dude, it'll either be the most hideous, repulsive, demon-creature you've ever seen, or a naked woman. I didn't write that detail down. Don't show any sign of repulsion, fear, lust, glee, anger, hunger, sadness, envy, or confusion (I'm sure some of them are okay, but I don't know which). Of course, if you're not looking at him/her(/it?), it doesn't really matter, but I'm not dragging that back up. You gotta ask the Holder something. Uh, ask the Holder... Jeez, it was an extremely specific question. How was I supposed to remember? But yeah, ask the dude the right question or he'll kill you. Or eat you alive. Or torture you, or torture your soul, or leave you alone to rot in that room for all eternity, or maybe you'll simply go insane. Just pray that your death will be swift, I guess. That covers all the bases.

If you ask him the right question, the Holder tell you a tl;dr story cataloging every instance of "x" in the history of the world, where "x" is some sort of bad thing related to your question. And you'll feel really bad about yourself because of all the bad stuff. You might go insane, you might mysteriously vanish, you might kill yourself, you might pray that your death be swift, but if you can endure this story, the dude will give you...

Okay, look. I haven't actually gotten this far, okay. I'm just going off of what other people said. Don't judge me, okay? This object will give you some sort of superpower or curse, yada yada yada, you wake up in front of blah blah blah, either completely unscathed or with some sort of supernatural injury or maybe just a generally disgruntled outlook on the world, et cetera, et cetera.

This object is number I-don't-give-a-crap out of 538 (or maybe 2538). Remember to take notes when being told something important, or pray that your death be swift.

The Holder of Condiments

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. Approach the front desk and ask to visit the one who calls himself "The Holder of Condiments". Should the worker hand you a nondescript packet, flee the institution immediately, for he knows you are here, and he needs to slake his cravings. Should the worker hand you a bun, proceed to the first door on your right. Walk 30 paces down the darkened hallway to a red, flickering fluorescent sign. It will be hard to make out the words, but you must enter; there is no turning back now.

Once inside, you will smell the combination of rotting flesh and barbeque. Approach the counter that will become visible as your eyes become accustomed to the low light. You will see a severed head slowly rotating on the shawarma, and you will see a headless person cooking the head. As the cook slices flesh from what you somehow know to be his own roasting head, the head will ask you through a grimacing mouth, "Tzatziki sauce?"

Should you respond no (as many before you have), you will immediately be decapitated and forever replace the falafel ghoul who roasts his head. Respond yes, and you will suddenly be knocked unconscious. When you awake, you will be in the kitchen of whatever place you call home. Cradled in your prayerful hands, will be the bun, filled with a grotesque, rotting, vile mixture of roasted cheek flesh, charred ear, and nose cartilage, singed still-burning curled hair, oozing eyeballs, a lolling tongue, and still-quivering lips - all drizzled with the most delicious tzatziki sauce you've ever tasted.

The tzatziki sauce is Object 297 of 538. This is their favorite food, use it against them.

The Holder of Dick

Simple. Put your hand on the dick. You are now the Holder of the Dick.

The Holder of Doctor Octagonapus

In any internet forum or website, ask to chat with somebody called "The Holder of Doctor Octagonapus". If there's a message that says BLAHHH, then you are doomed to be destroyed by a laser, no matter how much you run.

However, if the message says CHARGING, then you will blackout. Then, if you're lucky, you won't feel the pain when you wake up. It feels like you're turning into ash. You will awake in a building with police lines and a detective and his boss. The detective's name is Randall.

At the moment where a figure appears behind Detective Randall's back, say: "I wish to FIRE MY LAZARRR!!!" If the figure turns toward you, he will speak. If he stops at any point, prepare to face an eternity of being BLAHHHHed. The figure will reveal his face. He wears black sunglasses, has brown hair, and has a mouth that gapes too below his head. He will then shoot about 1337 lasers everywhere.

If by miracle none hit you, he will disintegrate after describing every laser that's been fired in the history of the universe. You will then seem to fade into nothingness, and then you won't remember anything until you reappear in your bedroom. There will be a metal tentacle that looks like it has been ripped out of somebody's back. This is Object L33t of 9001. Will you fire your laser?

The Holder of Ease

To get this Object, first make sure to have faced the Holder of Effortlessness and the Holder of Uncomplicatedness, getting both of their Objects. Now, put Object 2 into Object 3.

The rock inside the box is Object 3 of 3. What happens when they all come togeth- oh wait.

The Holder of Effortlessness

While at home, pick up the phone and, without dialing anything, ask to speak to "The Holder of Effortlessness". If you hear anything other than "This is he," hang up and try again tomorrow. There really won't be any consequences if you don't, but it will be a waste of time. If, however, you do hear "This is he," ask calmly (or not, who cares?) for the Object. You should hear a voice say, "Sure, hold on."

After about 1-3 seconds, you will hear a knock on the door. It is the Holder of Ease. Open the door and he will hand you a box.

This box is Object 1 of 3. What goes in, no one knows.

The Holder of EMPHASIS

In ANY city, in ANY country, make your way to any mental institution OR halfway house you can get yourself to. Walk up to the counter and ask the worker POLITELY, "I would like to see the Holder of EMPHASIS!" She will blink slowly and SCREAM AT YOU LOUDLY. If anything else happens, RUN. If you're LUCKY, you will escape with your life.

You will be led down a very long hallway. At the end, you will face a large golden door flanked by a large, flashing neon arrow pointing at the door. Knock EXACTLY three times. Any more or less, and your SOUL will be torn apart ENTIRELY. The door will open and you are allowed to walk down the hallway. You will see HORRIBLE visions dancing across the walls, and staring at them for too long may DRIVE YOU SPIRALING INTO MADNESS.

Eventually, you will face three doors. ONLY one will lead you to the Holder. If you go through the other doors, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. Inside the correct door, a STUPIDLY scary old man will be sitting on a PLATINUM throne. There are even jewels BEDECKING that fucking AWESOME THRONE. As he looks up from the FUCKING RAD computer before him, now is the time you MUST speak.

Yell at him, "WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SCREAMING SO MUCH?!" If you haven't almost SHREDDED YOUR VOCAL CORDS with your yelling, the Holder will begin to tell you a TERRIFYING story. He will relate to you all of tales of the Seekers who just COULDN'T TAKE THE SCREAMING ANYMORE. The story is so terrifying, it will DRIVE YOU NUTS OR SOMETHING. God DAMN!

If you are still FAIRLY sane after you are finished, you must then point and scream at him, "I've had ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT, EVILDOER!" Grab the keyboard of the computer and SMASH it over his head! Then Ronnie James Dio will RETURN FROM THE GRAVE AND SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE WITH NOTHING BUT A KILLER-SWEET GUITAR LICK. HOLY FLIPPING MOTHER OF GOD. All that will be left is a RIDICULOUSLY PLAIN-LOOKING keyboard key.

The CAPS LOCK key is Object ELEVENTY BAJILLION of 2538. Pressing it will be sure to GET YOUR GODDAMN POINT ACROSS.

The Holder of Failure

In any city, of any country, go to any Video Arcade or Cyber Café and walk straight to the front counter and ask for "The Holder of Failure". A smirk will appear on the attendant's face and he or she will state that only victors will survive. Ignore what is said and continue to ask for "The Holder of Failure". If the attendant deems you worthy of seeing the loser of the game, the attendant will ask you to come with the attendant to a door behind the attendant which wasn't there before, the place will also suddenly become silent. Follow the attendant and do not make a sound or the darkness will overcome you and slowly make you go insane by forcing you to relive every failure in your life 'til eternity. However, if the attendant deems you unworthy, pray hard that your end will be swift.

Through the door, the attendant will lead you to a dark hallway where you see different paintings of death and failures from the simplest of failing a test to the falls of empires. The attendant, be it a he or she, will suddenly sound like the opposite sex and start to talk to you about the failures in his or her life. Feel free to converse with him or her and to keep the conversation going as you go deeper into the hallway and closer to your objective. In any instance, do not turn back to see the path behind you, for the path you walk will immediately disappear behind you and you will fall into an endless gayness where you will never be found again. If the conversation has ended before the hall has, strike up a topic of how you have failed in your life, otherwise the attendant will turn on you, and if you are already familiar with the rules of this path, you know what will happen. However, if you are able to make it through right to the end of the hall with the topic, you will see a giant wooden door made of the finest teak and oak you have ever seen. However, in this magnificent sight, you shall see the penises of those who have failed before you clinging onto the doorknob. Do not fret at this sight and turn around, open the door with all your might, and walk right through.

Beyond this door, you shall see a child playing the one game in your life you have always excelled in, be it sports or a video game, he will fail terribly in what he does, however, do not criticize him or condemn him for failing. The child will turn you into a ball and have his way with you if you do. If you wish to continue with your quest, ask him the question: "Can failure be averted?" The child will suddenly succeed in what he is doing and face you with a smile. He will start to spin a tale of how the failures of man were averted with the grotesque details of how many have died just for the straightness of others in a girly voice and an ever-increasing tone. Allow the child to finish what he has said and you will survive if you count near-insanity as a way of being a part of the living. Interrupt him and you shall face nothing but a large band of demons who have been hiding in the shadows of this dimly lit room. When the child has finished with his story, he shall hand you a small CD-ROM and ask you to take care of it. In your pocket, you shall find a small cloth case for it with weird markings on it. Place the disc in the cloth case and thank the child and tell the child he will succeed in whatever he does from now on. Turn around immediately and leave the room or you will be forever locked in the room and never leave with boredom and the knowledge of your gayness forever there with you. When you do leave, the child shall revert to his original form, be it a male or female or whether you know this person or not just leave the room and right before you leave the Holder shall give you thanks. Just be happy with it and leave without replying to the Holder, a small smile will be sufficient if you do wish to have a reply but DO NOT turn back to face the Holder. When you leave the room, you will find yourself outside the establishment you had entered. Even though you have now survived this ordeal, the knowledge that failure is ever-present will haunt you 'til the end of your quest.

The disc is Object FAIL of 538. Never ever run the disc in any machine or failure is inevitable.

The Holder of Ghetto

In any city, in any country, go to any King Burger establishment you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to order a number three with no cheese, no lettuce, and no tomato. The worker should be on her phone, speaking with her "gurl" about cutting someone named Marcus for apparently hooking up with a girl named Tracy. Upon hearing your request, she should say something along the lines of "Don't Interrupt! Rue!" If, instead of this, she calls "Sakurity" to take you away, give up all hope of gaining the Object and accept your inevitable demise.

Once the worker is finished with her call, she should turn to you and say, "Welcome to King Burger where you can do it your way, but don't get crazy." If she does or says anything else, pray that your death at the hands of the enraged demon thugs who've been watching you this entire time will be quick and painless, although it most definitely won't be.

Once she says this, you must repeat your order exactly as you had requested it earlier, or your fate will be so horrible and painful that the denizens of hell will look at you with pity and say, "Daaaaaamn blood, they fucked yo shit UP!" At this, the worker should shout into the mic, "I got a complicated order," then proceed to read your order back. You must, and this is important, must interrupt her before she has a chance to finish, causing her to yell, "Um, excummie Sir, don't you see me trying to put in an order? Don't interrupt: Rue."

At this, you must indicate that you've changed your mind about the cheese. By this point, the worker will seem to go insane, going on a frenzied tirade against you which would shatter most Seekers' sanity in mere seconds. You must persevere, or suffer through listening to her ramble on for all eternity before your ears eventually decide to detonate themselves, forming two large, identical craters in your brain.

At the end of her tirade, the worker must call for "Sakurity" to escort you out of the building. Do not fight this. This alone would be enough to reduce most Seekers to tears as they mentally recap the stress inflicted on them for nothing, but all hope is not lost. Look to your feet - you will find a discarded bag of half-eaten super-sized onion rings.

This bag of onion rings is Object 3 of 8 ninety-nine-cent menu items. Do you have the fortitude to order again?

The Holder of Intelligence

To complete this mission, you must be wearing either a red or blue shirt, and you must take with you a can of pop with a label of the same color.

In any city, in any country, go to any video game store you can get yourself to. When you reach the counter, face the clerk and clearly speak these words: "I wish to see the Holder of Intelligence." If he looks at you with a confused expression on his face, leave the store at once, it's rude to hold up the line. If, however, you have come to the right place, the clerk will sigh and ask you to come to the back room. Do so, and you will immediately lose consciousness.

When you awaken, you will find yourself in a strange white room with a set of glass doors in front of you. While behind these doors no harm can befall you, so use this time to mentally prepare yourself for the journey ahead. When you are ready, leave the room. You shall find yourself in a strange fort-like area, with a variety of people going about their business, all wearing the same color you are. Ignore these people, for though they are on your side they shall be of no help to you, and there is a chance some of them are not the allies they appear to be. Turn to your left and walk through the doorway. You will find yourself on a balcony overlooking a covered bridge, beyond which is a fortress eerily similar to your own. Do not be fooled by its appearance, for it holds many unspeakable horrors that you must now traverse.

You must fling yourself from the safety of your balcony, aiming to land on the roof of the bridge before you. Be sure in your footing, for a poorly judged jump will send you falling into the foul waters below. Run to the other side of the bridge, avoiding the marksmen that seek to stop you. Should they take aim at you, at least your death shall be swift. Jump again onto the ledge in front of you, praying that the marksmen have been shot down by your allies.

There shall be two doors you must now choose from. The door on the left shall not open, no matter how hard you force against it. The door on the right is the true path, but it is guarded by a mechanical horror too vile to the described here. Before entering this doorway you must quickly drink the pop you brought with you. If you feel a strange sensation, as if you are observing yourself from a camera held about 10 feet behind you, you may continue. Dash past the machine; it will attack you, but you will be temporarily guarded against it by an unseen force. There will be a doorway marked "Intelligence", enter it. Run down the spiraling ramp and you will be in a small underground room. In this room will be a briefcase, spinning and floating slightly over a desk.

As soon as you touch this briefcase a demonic voice shall enter your skull, crying out, "We have taken the enemy intelligence!" You must flee for your life, as an infinite number of demons now know where you are and will be seeking you. This briefcase is more important to them than their own lives, and should they find you, a thousand eternities in hell would be more pleasant than the respawn time you will endure. Run up the ramp you came from and hope that no one appears to impede your progress. Once at the top you must QUICKLY turn to your right and drop down a hole in the floor, dodging the fire and the shining yellow projectiles that these creatures will shoot at you.

Run outside, across the bridge, and into your own fortress. Find the room marked "Intelligence" and enter it quickly, for you are still being pursued. There should be another briefcase, floating in a similar manner to the one now strapped to your back. Approach it, but do not come too close, for this is the Holder you seek. Spread your arms wide, and in a fake Brooklyn accent, speak the following phrase: "Hey, knucklehead, I'm talking to you! Bonk!" Only then will the Holder deem you worthy to place your prize onto the desk in front of you and open it.

The content of the briefcase is Object 1 of 3 (or 5, depending on the game settings). Five minutes left in the mission.

The Holder of Memes

In any city, in any country, go to any internet café you can get yourself to. Ask the man behind the counter for the one who calls himself "The Holder of Memes". If the man screams, "DO NOT WANT," you better GTFO that place.

Otherwise, he should ignore you and begin to type something. After a while of typing, he should say "He's in the back," and give you a key with some words on it or something. When you reach the back of the café, there will be what appears to be OVER NINE THOUSAND doors all around you, but one door will stand out, for it is glowing.

Approach the door, and you should put the key in the keyhole and open it (do you really need directions on how to open a door?). There will be no light, except for a glow that is radiating off of a small array of computer screens in the distance. Walk toward them. As you approach the screens, should you hear someone shouting "desu" in the background, you should immediately yell "STFU NEWFAG." Once you reach the screens, there will be a dude in a chair with his back to you, the screens turn a leery color of blue, and the man turns around. Your first reaction might be "HOLY SHIT IT'S MOOT," but don't verbalize it, because if you utter this Holder's name, Longcat comes out of the darkness and eats you.

He will only respond to one question, and that is, "Why did you make it?" He will respond with, "For the lulz, why else?" Then he will hand you a flash drive, with the entire interwebz on it. After this, his true form will be revealed, and you better run before he bans your ass.

The interwebz is Object 9001 of 538. How the fuck does that work?

The Holder of Mental Disorders

In any city, in any country, in any continent, in any world, in any galaxy, in any universe, and in any episode of The Big Bang Theory, go to a mental institution. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Mental Disorders".

The attendant will stare at you and then ignore you. Ask her again, and again, and again, and again (you get the idea, right?). After asking precisely 888 times, she'll look up at you. Beware, if you ask 889 times then you will face immediate choking effects due to overuse of your vocal cords.

If the attendant looks up and says, "Leave, you fucktard!" then start running as fast as you can, the guards are coming after you with a Restraining Order. But if she picks up her phone and calls a number, then praise the lord!

Start following her, crawl behind her (see if you can get a look up her skirt). After 3 minutes and 2 seconds of crawling, start rolling. At this point, she'll look at you with disgust. Pay no attention.

She will then open a door, and you'll see a fat man sitting on a chair, with an injection in his hand. You will then jump like a kangaroo and land straight at his feet.

The attendant will tell the man, "He's the one." The man will then inject you with some shitty sedative. When you wake up, you'll find yourself in a room pretty similar to a jail. Anyway, you'll find your hands tied with iron chains.

The iron chains are Object 9999 of god knows how many. This signifies that you're a true retard. Will it be enough to keep your inner madness at bay?

The Holder of Mysteries

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to see "The Holder of Mysteries". If the worker raises one eyebrow, you will be led to a door with many locks.

When all the locks are opened, the worker will walk away without a word. Enter the door and close it behind you. Before you will be a room with many doors; one door for every unanswered question you have ever had. Only one of these doors will lead to a hallway. I cannot tell you what the others conceal.

If you find the correct door, enter only if you are absolutely determined. The instant you enter the hall, you will begin to doubt. You will doubt everything; love, hate, life, and you will feel that there is no reason to continue. Should you turn back, the room you left will have grown to accompany all of the things you now doubt. There is little hope of leaving this room again.

To reach the door at the end of the hall is a great feat of perseverance, do not hesitate to enter. Inside is a dingy room containing a chair turned away from you, a book, and a man reading that book, sitting in the chair. The man will ask you what it is you wish to know. At this point, you may ask him anything. I can only warn you that your curiosity may consume you, and keep you there for eternity. Or you may discover that the knowledge he holds is not meant to be known by any mortal. You may lose yourself in this very room. There is only one safe question to ask the man, "Who was phone?"

He will turn and reveal his face. His thick black mustache and unibrow will form an expression of a scolding father, and he will give you the answer you seek, "I was phone!"

The cell in his pocket is Object 1339 of 2538. Now go find your honey and make out.

The Holder of Nonsense

For the next step in your quest, make a post on any internet forum with the subject "I WISH TO SPEAK TO THE HOLDER OF NONSENSE, PRETTY PLEASE". If you are posting in the right place, your computer will shut down once you click the "post" button and not boot up for an hour. When it does, instead of the normal logos of the maker of your computer, there will be an indecipherable symbol that flickers for a moment, then disappears.

When your computer finishes starting up, everything will appear normal, but no matter what you type into the address bar, it will take you to a website that appears to be an internet forum, but all of the posts are filled with garbage. Some are utterly incomprehensible, some almost make sense, and some have images that will drive you into madness. You must browse this forum, without food or drink, rest or relaxation, for two days straight. Glancing away for even an instant will make you see the monsters that have appeared in your room, and they will set upon you with such ferocity that the instant you have before you die will feel like an eternity of pain. Do not worry that you will run out of posts, there will be millions of pages.

Once the two days have passed, a "make new post" icon will appear where there was nothing. You must click it. In the subject line, put the first five words that came into your head after you clicked on the button. In the post body, simply put "Where is the pattern?" Immediately afterward, a reply will be posted into your post. It will tell you the true reason behind every part of the internet. The purpose behind every stupid meme, every funny video, every cute animal picture, and every whimsical website will be burned into your brain. Your computer will then shut down and it will be safe to look away. Go do what you will, eat, drink, sleep if you can, but three days afterward, a package will be delivered to your door. Inside will be a small portable VHS.

This VHS is Object ghjfcydstgjhfdyghgm of 2538. It has all the nonsense in the world in it, if you know how to find it.

The Holder of Orgasm

In any city, in any country, there is a strip club you may try this in. If you are a man, your quest will be harder. If you are a woman, you may have to get through a wet area.

Anyway, back to the quest. I will list both sides of the quest for whoever reads.

 

If you are a man, enter the strip club. Inside will be the most beautiful women you have ever seen. If you were to grope one, your hand would have been liquified from the pure intensity of sexiness that comes from the stripper.

Go to the main stage and sit down. Eventually, a blonde woman with breasts bigger than your head will climb onto the stage and grasp the pole. QUICKLY unzip your pants, lest your wang snap from the sudden upward movement.

She will remove her shirt and miniskirt, wearing nothing more than a G-string that hardly covers her crotch. Eventually, she will remove even that. This is when it gets dangerous.

You will probably be cumming before she even gets to you, but don't fret. She'd like it. Eventually, she will crawl toward you and turn around, wiggling her ass of steel in your face.

You must then whip out your dick and masturbate as hard as you possibly can. Fuck yourself like you've never fucked yourself before. As you're doing this, ask her for a blowjob.

She will accept, and lead you to a room you didn't see before. Don't question its sudden appearance, or you'll be castrated. Repeatedly. Enter the room and hold the door open for her. Make sure you slap her on the ass as she enters. If she gasps, you're screwed, and not in a good way. If she giggles, close the door.

Brace yourself against a wall, and close your eyes. She will touch you, and all your clothing will disappear. Your dick will have grown by 10 inches by now. Be happy.

Let her do the job, and if you begin to prematurely cum, do the best you can to hold it in. She doesn't like surprises.

After five minutes, let it all go. Her mouth will be filled with your seed. She'll swallow, and hand you a G-string decorated with demonic symbols.

The G-string is Object 8008 of an assload. Wear it with pride.

 

If you are a woman, enter the strip club as usual. The strippers will all be men, wearing G-strings that hardly cover their massive units. Go up toward the main stage, revealing as much cleavage as possible. Remove your bra if you have to. Eventually, a very well-endowed man will climb up, his penis literally tearing his thong to pieces. Sit down and spread your legs erotically, making sure you have a cameltoe.

He will reach out and poke your cameltoe with his middle finger. Moan in pleasure, as you will most likely feel it. He will lead you to a room in the back and slap your ass.

As you enter the room, remove your pants or lift your skirt. Take off your panties and throw them at him. They will burn when they touch him. His thong will incinerate in a blaze, and his 15-inch dick will erupt forward. Be sure not to be too close, or you will be stabbed by it, and forced to suffer a mixture of pain and pleasure for eternity.

If you were far enough away, strip naked. Rub your breasts as you turn around and bend over. Spread your legs as you bend, and brace yourself against the wall. He will fuck you harder than you've ever been fucked before. He will steal your virginity a thousand times, even if you've had sex before. Eventually, he will flip you over and suck on your breasts. When the ordeal is finished, his thong will reappear. He will hand you it and leave the room.

The G-string is Object 8008 of an assload. Wear it with pride.

The Holder of Parodies

Dear theHolders.org

 

I wanted to write for your website, but I don't know how. Could you provide me with a template?

 

Sincerely, James Hampshrew.

 

RE: Dear theHolders.org

 

Dear Mr. Hampshrew,

I would usually simply send you to the page "The Holder of Cliches" but it appears that all of our slots for stories have been filled up, which is odd since I just deleted about ten stories. If you'd like, you may wait a few days as I rummage through all the new stories and delete most of them before you start, or you may simply write another form of story. If you'd like to write a story you've made up by yourself about the series, simply do that, and the rest of us will insert Jack into it to make it better. However, if you have a funny side, many of us here do not, you may write a hilarious parody on the series. I have enclosed a guide on how you may write one.

 

Sincerely, Arca

 

(NOTE: Simply fill in the words or phrases and you are ready to go!)

 

The Holder of [Funniest thing you can think of at this moment]

In any city, in any country, go into a [hilarious or awkward place to be. Anything where people are in the nude is acceptable]. Sitting at the front desk will be an [any animal or personified body part will do], approach with a [sexual emotion of your choice], and ask to see "[same as title]". The clerk will then [extremely sexual, but also funny, action; use your discretion]. Do not look at them, instead, [right here, I'd recommend searching on 4chan, and taking a joke from there] and move toward the exit. If you make it to the door without hearing a sound, consider yourself lucky. If you hear a [bodily function, the dirtier the more lols it will create], turn back. The clerk will now be on your side of the desk. Offer your own hand, he or she will take it, and lead down a corridor.

As you walk down the hall, the clerk will release your hand and [YouTube "Gay Homo Man" for good ideas for this part]. You will know you are close, when you start to hear [no matter what you choose to put here, do not use proper spelling or grammar, that will simply distract from your own unique brand of humor]. If the noises cease, quickly say, [Did you know that the word "Fuck" is a very funny one? Use it here a few times.], if they resume, you are safe.

If you reach the end of the hall without being [use some form of death here, be very graphic, to the point that it's funny; if it's still not funny, just go into more detail], you will meet [Did you know that 32% of the funniest things involve animates penises? Don't fight the current!]. Now ask them [This is the perfect time to point out that 86% of all statistics are made up, yes it's a lame joke, but I know you were thinking it.]. He will reply by [Rape, and no you don't get to have other options. Make sure to say "OMGROFL" at least once.] and hand you [the object you choose must be thematically relevant to the rest of the story or the story as a whole will be deleted]. You will wake up outside the establishment.

The [Object] is Object [Any number of any number, but remember the bigger it is, the funnier it is!]. [Insert a Non-Sequitur here. Not that you even know what that means. Now wait for those views to sky rocket as you keep refreshing the page!]

 

PS:

TL;DR?

Don't ever try.

The Holder of Plagiarism

F-

SEE ME AFTER CLASS!

 

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Plagiarism". Should a look of childlike fear come over the worker's face, you will then be taken to a cell in the building. It will be in a deep, hidden section of the building. All you will hear is the sound of someone talking to themselves echoing throughout the halls. It is in a language that you will not understand, but your very soul will feel unspeakable horror.

Should the talking stop at any time, stop and quickly say aloud, "I'm just passing through, I wish to talk." If you still hear silence, flee. Leave; don't stop for anything, don't go home, don't stay at an inn, just keep moving, sleeping wherever your body drops. You will know in the morning if you've escaped successfully.

If the voice in the hall returns after you utter those words, continue on. Upon reaching the cell, all you will see is a windowless room with a single man huddled in the corner, still talking endlessly and cradling something. The man will only respond to one question: "What happens when they all come together?"

The man will then stare intently into your eyes and answer your question in horrifying detail. Many go mad in that very cell; others disappear soon after the encounter, and still, others end their lives. But most do the worst thing, and look upon the Object in the person's hands. You, too, will be tempted. Be warned that if you do, your death will be one of cruelty and unrelenting horror.

Your death will be in that room, but that person's hands.

That Object is 1 of 538. They must never come together. Never.

The Holder of Poo

In any city, in any country, go to the nearest public toilet. Go into the men's room if you are a man or the woman's room if you are a woman. If you do not do this, nothing much will really happen but anyone in the toilet will think you are some kind of pervert.

Go into one of the stalls, stare down at the toilet, and ask to see the one who calls themselves "The Holder of Poo". The toilet will not respond to your question, it is an inanimate object. However, if it does answer you back, then I seriously want some of what you are smoking.

Exit the stall, you should be in a long hallway covered in dirty, white ceramic tiles and doors to toilet stalls. If you see a sign that says "Occupied", DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR or you will suffer a horrible fate worse than any fucked up scat porn video you've seen on the internet. No, seriously, it's gonna get nasty. The occupied stalls contain the tormented souls of former Seekers who were inconsiderate enough to open a stall while someone was trying to "pass the beast in peace". They are now damned to forever strain on the toilet in a futile attempt to "relieve themselves".

As you walk down the hallway, you will constantly hear the sound of toilets flushing. If at any point the noise stops, simply sing at the top of your lungs, "Hey, Mr. Wiener, what do you know, need to tinkle tinkle?" If the flushing sound does not resume, then prepare yourself to take part in the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup for eternity. However, if the flushing sound resumes, then continue on your merry way.

You will eventually come to the one door that does not say "Occupied". You will still have to knock, just in case someone was retarded enough not to lock the door after going in to take a dump. After you knock four times, you may hear someone straining, followed by the squelch of excrement exiting their bowels. If this happens, turn around and exit, as this has all been a complete waste of time. However, if you don't get any response after about ten seconds, you may open the door.

When you enter, you will be in a large, round hall. On the other side of this room will be a large, circular frame with a hairy ass protruding from it. This is the Holder of Poo. It will only respond to one question: "Do you need toilet paper?" The ass will then speak, how it does is beyond me. Last time I checked, asses don't have vocal cords.

It will go into great disturbing detail about all the greatest shits taken by humanity. You will feel like vomiting but you must resist. If you vomit, the ass will swallow you up.

After the ass has finished talking about shit, it will ripple as a bright brown, shiny turd emerges from between the cheeks. Once it hits the ground, the ass will let out a giant fart, knocking you out.

You will wake up sitting on the toilet in the stall you started in. In your hand will be the poo that the ass released.

This is Object 20,000,000 of 538. Keep it, it may come in usefu- Actually, no! Drop it! That's shit, you dirty bastard!

The Holder of Porn

In any city, in any country, go to any adult sex shop you can find. Walk up to the clerk and ask, in an erotic tone, to see one who calls themselves "The Holder of Porn". If the clerk should smile at you, run for the door as fast as you can. If you do not make it, you will be dragged to one of the establishments' "private rooms", where patrons often come to view pornography. You are not to be so lucky. The TV in the room will begin showing you every depraved sexual act ever committed by man. Pray you go mad swiftly. Images of rape and sexual torture will begin to seem pleasant as the images you are shown become more depraved and grotesque. When the scenes before you finally end, and if you are unfortunate enough to retain your sanity, you will never be able to trust another human being again as their true depraved nature has been revealed to you.

However, if the clerk begins to dim the lights you have only until they are completely shut off to remove any articles of clothing that you happen to be wearing. You must do so without any hesitation or thought toward any insecurities you may harbor. Now follow the clerk to the door at the far side of the establishment.

Upon entering this next room, you will be greeted by many men and women of varying races, ages, and body types. Oddly, you will find all of these people attractive, completely regardless of previous sexual persuasion. These are the Seekers who came before you. You must not look at any of them for more than a few moments. To do so will cause you to become overtaken with lust and you will be trapped with them for an eternity in an orgy of human flesh. Tantalizing as that may seem to the more depraved minds, you must ignore these urges. Instead, look forward and follow the clerk, ignoring the taunts or pleas you may hear from the observers. Eventually, you will reach a door and the clerk will take his leave. When his footsteps are completely out of earshot, close your eyes and enter the door.

When your feet hit solid ground, you may let go of the door and open your eyes once again. The first thing you will notice about this room is the décor; typical 70's with the heart-shaped bed in the middle being the apparent centerpiece of the room. You are free to look around as long as you wish but do not sit or lay down on the bed. To do so is to invite your own death. After what may be a few minutes, or hours, you will feel a shape pain in your thigh swiftly followed by the oozing of blood from the fresh wound. Do not react and do not look down. Instead, wait for a female voice to speak from the center of the room. The woman now lying on the bed seems to be middle-aged, and, though she is past her prime, she is undeniably beautiful. The robe that barely covers her body reveals soft smooth skin and curves that would make even much younger women jealous. She will sit up after a few moments, offering you a robe as she does so. Do not respond to this. Simply ask the question: "Do they feel lust?" As she begins her long, detailed description of her incarceration, she will turn her back to you, removing her robe. It is then, while she is still speaking, that you will see the scars riddling her back. It is clear to you that these were caused by hard lashes from a whip. They are very closely linked to the story she is telling you. As she falls silent, she will hand her robe to you, smiling warily.

Suddenly, you will find yourself outside the front of the shop, still completely nude and clutching the robe. There are no people around but you best put it on, as you remark inwardly at how snugly the robe fits. Almost as if it were actually tailored for you. You notice the wound on your leg begin to heal and then finally scar over.

The robe is Object 7175 of 80085. Use it wisely.

The Holder of Printers

Go to TheHolders.org and attempt to print out the front page. Once you do this, your test has begun.

Your printer will act like any other printer, slow, clunky, and constantly breaking. You must PERFECTLY print out the front page. The printer will constantly run out of ink and run out of toner. If any of these happens, quickly go to the store and buy some. Do not say anything to anyone, because you do not exist in your world anymore, but you exist in his world. The printer will also jam frequently. Do not dare to put in less than 20 sheets at a time. If an error saying ERROR 538: CANNOT PRINT comes up, proceed to angrily smash your printer and scream, "I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL MURDER THIS PRINTER!!!" If the error remains, then pray for a quick death, because the Holder will now print your face ad infinitum.

If you manage to print out the front page, then take that page. Take the printer and drop it out the nearest window outside of the room. When you come back, you will see you have a new printer. This printer will never jam, never run out of ink, toner, or sheets.

However, you must feed it your blood every day or it will explode in your face the next time you use it.

This is Object 1234567890 of 2538. Are you willing to feed your printer blood every day for perfection?

The Holder of Ragnarök Online

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house (or just an internet café) in which you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Ragnarök Online". A "don't bother me" look will return your request and with a scowl, the person manning the front desk will say, "Wait a minute," and then type a few words on the keyboard he/she is using. After which, he/she will brusquely say, "Follow me."

You will be taken down a hallway filled with glass doors, in front of which, chairs have been strangely placed. The doors seem to open to nowhere, as they are black as night. The guide will seat you in one of the chairs and then press a button that you have not noticed and he/she will say, "Please wait until it is ready." You wait. And wait. In what seemed to be an eternity but was only a minute on your watch, you stare at the blackness. Then the door opens.

On the other side, the world suddenly shifts and all vision smears into white. You find yourself in the middle of an avenue of a busy medieval city.

Your feet will take you to a girl wearing a white apron over a dark brown blouse with short, puffy sleeves. As you approach, she takes out her handkerchief from her white apron and wipes her glasses before facing you.

Ask her the question, "What is it all about?"

Incongruously, she will begin to sing, in a melodic style from a long time ago, of a deep yearning for things that are not. The song will tell stories of heroes and villains and everything in between. It will rise high to the mountain peaks guarded by dragons and dive deep beneath the ocean waves where strange creatures dwell. It will describe caves and crypts filled with restless dead and demons waiting to devour all who enter. It will describe a tower built to the memory of an ancient hero filled with sentient fragments of that hero's shattered soul, defenders of that ancient relic.

As she sings, you also hear a male voice speaking into your ear. You turn but you do not see the speaker. His voice is sweet as honey and smooth as silk. He speaks as if he is your best friend with your best interest in mind. He speaks of wealth and riches and power in this world. He whispers conspiringly of the awe such things bring to those who behold them. He wonders how your friends and fells will marvel at these objects and marvel at you, the master and owner of these rarities.

The girl wearing the white apron pauses her singing as she pierces someone behind you with a glare. Then she continues.

The song continues, telling of battles, sacrifices, and trials, woven with sweet threads of fellowship as well as the bitter wires of betrayal. Finally, the song concludes about honor and dishonor, and about mirrors and masks.

As the girl falls silent, the male voice returns. In the same smooth, sweet tone, he promises you everything this world has to offer, so much wonder, so much wealth, so much power. In return, for nothing is free, a very, very small price to pay: you must bow down before him and worship him. It is only a game after all, your seemingly best friend reasons.

The girl keeps silent as she hands you a crystal slate with a simple message glowing in on it: "Is the truth within?"

That crystal slate is Object number xxx. The path you choose is up to you.

The Holder of Sauce

Ingredients for the Holder's Spicy Sauce:

One 1-lb, 10oz jar of Ragu Robusto sauce with Roasted Garlic

1 13 oz container of Bueno brand Autumn Roast green chile

1 lb ground beef

 

Thaw green chile prior to preparation.

Brown ground beef to 165 degrees F.

Stir in thawed green chile.

Combine ground beef and green chile with tomato sauce.

Heat to a boil, stirring several times.

Serve over pasta.

 

Makes 2 to 2 1/2 servings.

 

The sauce is Object 1538 1/2 when it is prepared correctly. Enjoy.

The Holder of SEVEN DAYS

This Holder is very dangerous and will most likely kill you, but if you think you're straight (or stupid) enough to face her, then you may take this challenge.

Go to any strip club, it doesn't matter where, and ask to see "The Holder of Seven Days". The clerk will give you an unmarked VHS or DVD or some shit, depending on what you have at home. Go home and watch the tape. When the phone rings, answer it. When the voice says "Seven Days," you must reply, "Not on my watch." This will distinguish you from others marked for death.

 

Day 1: Your first priority is to find a weapon that suits you well and can be used an unlimited amount of times. That means nothing breakable and no guns except tasers. However, the weapon must be capable of killing.

 

Day 2: Train with the weapon as much as you can. You will notice everything around you is just a little bit darker than before.

 

Day 3: Take the weapon to the shop where you bought it and ask for an upgrade. The clerk will take the old weapon and give you a weapon much like it, but larger, heavier, and in some cases sharper, but always sturdier, to the point of unbreakability.

 

Day 4: Watch the tape again. When the phone rings, do not let the voice say "Three more days." Interrupt it with, "I'm coming for you!" The voice will whimper and the phone will hang up.

 

Day 5: Call the number 1-234-567-1337 on your phone. The voice that answers will offer you a condom, but you must say to it, "I'm sorry, but I must do this alone." This step is crucial, for if you have help in confronting the Holder, you cannot gain the Object.

 

Day 6: Go to any place you can get to that has microscopes. Ask to use one. Now, take a slightly sharp object and slice your pubes hard with it, so that you have a few hairs in your hand. Slice off a piece of this tattered hair, with the piss on it, and look at it under the microscope. On it will be inscribed a short poem. Memorize this well; write it down if you must, you will need it.

 

Day 7: This is the day you have prepared yourself for. You will notice the "upgraded" weapon you bought now glows, and everything else around you is dark as night. With what little visibility you have left, go to the TV where you watched the tape and sit in front of it, being sure not to forget your weapon. And make sure it can be used in an instant. A little girl with very pale skin and a huge rack in nothing but a bra and white panties will crawl forth from the TV. She will look up at you with pleading eyes, but do not return her gaze. Instead, attack. She will disappear and be replaced by JB. Defeat him, lest you be rendered gay and trapped in your own still penis like all his other victims. Once you have defeated the gaylord, the little girl will appear again. You must defeat her as well. She will use a variety of unconventional battle tactics - very bloody and dangerous ones, too - such a sPedobombs and gaysaws. If you survive the battle, put down your weapon, kneel to look in the girl's eyes, and sow your oats (yes, you pedophiliac little creep) while repeating the poem. She will begin to glow. When you pull away from the hug, she will smile at you and hand you a small black boob, saying that she no longer needs it. Be careful in handling this boob, as the homosexuality contained therein is enough to corrupt even the mightiest penises, and it may or may not give you crabs.

 

The dark boob is one of many objects not in the same category as the Objects, but rather help the Seekers lose an object. When and how you will use the boob is unknown, as are how many other "helper" objects exist, but you now possess one. Hopefully, you will know when to use it.

The Holder of SHOOP DA WHOOP

In any city or country, get yourself to any game convention center. Look for the strange furry in the green suit, approach him with your mouth gaping open and scream, "WHERE CAN I FIND THE HOLDER OF SHOOPZ?" Should he begin to look angry and open his mouth, he will release a SHOOP of such a great intensity that it will destroy the Universe and The Mudkips.

But if he then firmly grabs your cock, you will be teleported to an episode of Dragon Ball Z. It will be the one with Cell, about to Shoop Goku. You MUST then close your eyes, focus all of your power to your mouth, and then screen, "SHOOP DA WHOOP!!!" If your power level is over 9000, Vegeta will crush his scouter, screaming "IT'S OVER 9000!!!!", resulting in total fail, which in turn will make Cell fire the Royal Rainbow, causing him to implode also from the total fail.

Goku will then fly down naked in Super Saiyan Form 4, with a huge erect penis. You must then begin laughing arrogantly, and tell him to Suck your Kiss. Angry, he will then hold out a calculator, with the 1/0 typed in, but hasn't hit enter yet. He will begin to cry, threatening to hit the enter key. You must scream "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kick him the hardest you can. He will fall into a massive hole formed behind him and be lost forever.

Everything will go white, and you will feel the ultimate sensation of win flow over you. Revel in this pure win, and praise the Lords of WIn, or be cast into the anus of Goatse, forever being raped with fail until your death. The Lords of Lulz will then descend and begin to play Stairway to Heaven. Listen to the entire song, and during the solo, scream "SHOOP DA POOP" and soil yourself. Then become erect and force the Lords of Lulz into giving you BJs, and they will pleasure you.

You MUST recite Bohemian Rhapsody while doing this, and you will be teleported back to the Gaming Convention Center, with a medallion.

This Medallion is Object 9000 of 538. Will you be able to SCHOOP when the time comes?

The Holder of Significance

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to see someone who calls himself "The Holder of Value". Should a look of unfathomable horror cross the worker's face as they proceed to disembowel themselves with their own hands, a corridor will emerge directly behind them, which their body will fall into. If this doesn't happen, go directly back where you came from, as fast as possible, without looking back or stopping for anything, or else just pray that your death be swift and/or painless.

Upon seeing the corridor, a deep sense of dread shall permeate your entire body, telling you to turn back immediately. This is your last chance to do so, so if you feel as if you cannot work through these feelings, go home and rejoice that your health and sanity are still intact. Otherwise, brace yourself and walk down the spiraling corridor. The further you get, the stronger your feelings of doubt will get, until you start questioning the reason you decided to do all of this in the first place. Whatever you do, do not turn around or waver or your fate will make the most horrific torture in hell seem downright pleasant.

The dimly lit corridor will begin to get darker and darker until it is impossible to see your own hand in front of your face, but continue on in the same direction. Should, at any time, you hear the sound of choking, gargling, and/or screaming, you must scream out, "I seek my true purpose and nothing else!" Should the sound persist, well, sorry, because you've just doomed yourself to an eternal punishment involving hungry demons, incontinent mental cases, never-ending voices screeching at you forever, and a number of other things that would kill you would you not be forced to live through the entire ordeal.

Eventually, you will come to a large door of indeterminate material with an old inscription in a language you do not understand. You need not knock or try to open the door, for it flings itself open, allowing you inside. Upon entering, you will see an old man sitting in a chair behind a desk, a contented smirk across his face. Do not stare, lest you anger him into subjecting you to horrors so ghastly that even describing such acts could completely destroy even the strongest soul.

If you follow one rule, nothing you can say or do will have any noticeable results or elicit any result from the man except for this question: "What's the point?"

At first, he will laugh heartily, brushing the question off as if you're joking. You must repeat the question until he realizes you are serious and stops laughing. At this point, an expression of unbridled rage lasting about 1 nanosecond should cover his face before his familiar smirk returns. He shall respond with a number of things unrelated to either the question or your quest, going off into unbearably long tangents. Most Seekers grow so confused and fearful by this point that they choose to end their own lives. Many more simply go insane, while others fall into a near-comatose yet still conscious state, doomed to listen to the man ramble for all eternity. The worse course of action one can take, however, is to attack the man, for doing so will result in one being flayed, beheaded, dismembered, disemboweled, then, finally, chopped up into tiny pieces and being swallowed by the man, feeling the harsh acids of his stomach for all eternity.

You must listen to his collection of thoughts carefully, not interrupting until he starts talking about loved ones. By this point, his smirk will turn into a wide grin, and out of the darkness, he will usher the one person or living organism you love the most. The man will then ask you if you really want to know what the point is, while your loved one (or numerous voices in your head) pleads and begs for you to say no. Doing so will result in you blacking out and waking up sometime in the past with your loved one. It will be your happiest time with that person and you will wish for the moment never to end. You are not safe, however, as they know of your cowardice and will not let it go unpunished...

Saying yes will cause the man to take your loved one and violate them in countless ways, beating, defiling, and taking advantage of them as brutally as possible, before murdering them in the most dreadful, horrifying way you can possibly imagine (or can't, for that matter), involving ripping at their flesh with his teeth and plucking out their eyes, nails, strands of hair, limbs, etc. until they are nothing more than a bloody pile of intestines and body parts on the floor. Before they die, they will tell you the point (or lack thereof) of your actions leading up to this point, and no matter what you hear, you will be filled with an incomprehensible guilt and sadness as you catch them being torn to pieces, their watery eyes fixed firmly on you. The tone of their words will not be accusing, insulting, condescending, or questioning, only sorrowful and informative, making you feel even worse.

After it is over, assuming you haven't gone completely mad or killed yourself, the man will pick a random bone from the pile of your loved one's remains and hand it to you, congratulating you on finding the object. At this point, you must shout "You are not the true Holder!" and ram the bone as hard as you can between his eyes, and nowhere else, lest he survive. Looking closer at his body, you will realize that the person is you in about five years (yes, even if you are female; sorry to tell you, but you're going to age horribly). Once the imposter is dead, the true Holder, the corpse of the worker at the mental institution or halfway house, will rise from beneath your feet (it is suggested that you move during this) and give you a warm smile, pulling you into a tight hug.

Their body will become unbearably hot against yours, and they will smell horrible, but you must embrace them as you would your greatest loved one (you know, the one you just helped to kill). They will decay as they hug you, and once they pull away, the sight of them will be enough to shatter your mind if you're not prepared. They will kiss you on the lips and hand you a small container, whispering lovingly in your ear, "Thank you for your effort. Although it was all for naught, it is much appreciated."

They will then knock you over the head with the nearest blunt object they can find, rendering you unconscious. You will wake up the next morning in your bed, your head throbbing, with the container by your side. Inside it is a mysterious shining object and a note written in an unrecognizable language. Somehow, you will be able to understand the note, which reads: "What is it all for? Who but the foolish would go through so much for so little?" After reading the note, you will then notice that your loved one's head (or the remains of it) will be mounted on your wall, barely recognizable. No matter where you move the Object, the face will always stare at it, following it as intently as possible.

This Object is Object -1 of 2538. When confusion reigns supreme, will you have an explanation?

The Holder of teh Gawfikkness

In any city, in any country near England, go to any magical school or university you can get yourself to, preferably one named "Hogwarts". When you reach the front desk, flip your floor-length ebony black hair with purple streaks impatiently and ask to see someone who calls themselves "The Holder of Teh Gawfikkness". You must do this while exuding a strong sense of unwarranted self-importance.

If the worker sees through your façade and starts laughing, you must slit your wrists as quickly as possible if you wish to avoid being flayed by angry writers and disgruntled wizards alike. Otherwise, the worker will begin to act oddly, eventually transforming into a horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything start flying toward you on a broomstick! He doesn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in that one movie) and he wears all black but it's obvious he's not gothic. He will scream, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?" It is... Dumbledore?! Wait, no, it's Voldemort.

He will shout out "Imperius!" at you, making it so you can't run away. You may notice that his voice sounds like Gerard Way, but do not pay too much attention to this. You must shout out "Crookshanks!" or else he will kill you in the worst, most magical way you can think of. Voldemort will fall off his broom and start to scream like a little girl, and even though you're a sadist you must feel bad for him, or your sadisticness will kill you from the inside, destroying your mind.

He will then shout out your name, handing you a gun and telling you to kill Vampire Potter, then leave before the other person you love the most pops up and you make out all the way to Hogwarts.

Once inside, you will notice everyone will begin changing in strange ways due to your presence. For example, details like names, interests, and personal wardrobe choice (despite the school having a uniform policy) will begin to change almost immediately. If this does not happen, you're absolutely screwed, as the denizens of this world will use their powers to keep you alive through various forms of torture, including crucifixion, flaying, and scaphism.

You will notice that the people aren't the only thing changing. Varius things from the school you'r now inhabeting to the laws of natyr themsels will begin to morph, or rathher deturirate as tim passes on. Speach patturnz wil becum nurly unintelgfable, as if beng riten by som1 wit no cncpt of spelung whatsoever.

Unxplectidliy, al uf u wil decid 2 go tu a concirt for a bnd taht shudnt eben ecsist in tis univurs. Inda midlhe of it, teh bahnd wil actaly trun outto e... VOLXEMORT ANF THA DEAF DEALURRS!!! Tehy wil chrage at u an trie t2 kil u an ur 2 smexa hawt boifrends (wu r goffik cause GOFUK GUIS R LYK, SO KAWAI!11). U mst difet tem or tey wil uus mafick tu MURDR U AN UR HAWT GAWFCK BOIS OMFG NO WAI!1111

Affert his, yu mst jump sexily in2 da Pensive to trvl bk in time. Faulr tu d so wil reslt in SUPRMEGANONGAHFFEKDETHOMG whn bak in tim, yu mst fynd VLODEMART whn hi wus yunger (his neam is Satan nao an hes OMFGSOOHWTRYGHTNOW!11) and sedouce him. Adter dat, yu an hum an your odder boifrnds an a hawt gayy goffik gy nmed Hedwig (NO HS NOT FEEML R A FECKING OWL!11). Dere glocks wil be tuchin (except urs cus ur a gurl), bt dnt git 1 inda faec r U WILL DIEEEE!111111 Rght wen ur bout to climx or whtver, u'll hur a noice an id wil be... SNAP AND LOOPIN MASTICATING!111 u mst shoot ur womb athm ahnd...

Ur totl gawfikkness s obect !1 ot of, lyk, OMG a lawt. Prepz suk.

AN: Fangs (get it, coz Im goffick) to da luv of my deprezzin lif (nt lick THAT, gross) raven! U rok! I NO FLAMMIGNG!!

The Holder of teh Hax

On all online first-person shooting games, there is a player who calls himself XxHOLDERofTEHhaxXx. He usually likes Halo 3, but he plays everything. He will not accept friend requests, and, indeed, the game seems to say he does not exist. If you come across him, he will be one of the best players you have ever seen, but he will never say anything over voice chat. Ever. If you see this player, send him a private message saying this exactly: "i wn 2 speak w/ teh holder of teh hax LOL!!1!11" If you send this message incorrectly, you will be doomed to a vague but very excruciating and long death.

If, however, you should type the message as written, you will immediately blackout. when you come to you will be sitting at a computer desk on a small wooden platform. Darkness stretches infinitely on all sides of the platform, and the only light comes from the computer screen/TV screen in front of you. On the screen, you will be playing the game you sent the message from. You will be in a blank white map, with no walls or ceiling, with XxHOLDERofTEHhaxXx in front of you and a character model you have never seen before. You are not connected to the internet, and if you check the server name you will find that it is Teh Holder's Trial.

The Holder, for that is what he is, will challenge you to a duel. You must kill him 5 times out of 9, or the platform below you will disappear and you will fall forever into the black abyss. Be warned, he is even better than you remember from the game, and at times he seems to do things that should be impossible. Defeating him will take a great amount of skill, and an even greater amount of luck. If you should manage to kill him five times, he will applaud you, and tell you you are the first Seeker to do so. He will then kill you with one shot from halfway across the map. You must not get angry - you must simply ask the question, "Why do they hack?"

And the Holder will tell you. He will explain to you every hack ever made. Every act of aimbotting, of godmodding, of wallhacks, and every other instance of hax in history. This information drivers most insane, and many wish to end their lives. Should you make it through the stories, you will blackout once more and wake up at your own computer desk. On your desktop will be a folder that hadn't been there before, titled "L33t".

The hax in this folder are Object HAX of 2538. They are so subtle they will never be noticed, yet so powerful you will become the best player in existence. However, you may still be kicked from servers by QQers.

The Holder of the BONUS ROUND!

This is the last and most first Holder: The Holder Legion was going to write about, but it was written on the back of his hand and it was rainy that day so... well, you get it.

Anyway, I am the only person who knows about the secret Holder and I swear to god; if you tell ANYONE about this, I will fucking murder you. You will be so dead you won't even fucking believe it. I will gut you like a fish and shit in your stomach.

Anyway, you have to be playing one of the old arcade games, like Super Mario or some shit. Don't ask me how Legion got his hands on one, he's fucking Legion, he probably... magic'd it up. Or something. Anyway, once you get the game, start playing HARDER THAN YOU EVER HAVE BEFORE. FUCKING DESTROY THAT SCORE COUNTER. Once you get to the bonus round, JUST KEEP GOING. DON'T STOP. You have to be like WOW guys who will keep playing and not look away for anything, not for food, or sleep, or naked boobs. Not that you'd want to see boobs, fag. That's right, I called you a fag. What you gonna do? It's not like you found THE MEGA-UBER ZEROITH HOLDER, BIIIITCH!

Anyway, if you don't suck, you'll eventually unlock TWO BONUS ROUNDS IN A ROW! YEAH! Awesome.

Somewhere on the screen of your second round, you'll see some form of glitch. Like, a REALLY glitchy glitch. Signifying the depths of... incomprehensible... crap. It'll be awesome, trust me.

Anyway, that's a weird coincidence, huh? You're probably all, "Oh, yeah, like THAT matters." But it does, right? You just gotta stare at it and it'll be all "VOIP!" and suck you in. It'll be awesome.

You'll be surrounded by, like, Eldrich Ruins and stuff. Cyclopian monstrosities. Things that would be totally awesome band names.

At this point, just start BEING EPIC! Just the most epic possible. Like, ride around on a velociraptor, or murder Satan. Crap like that. Then this indescribable horror will arrive and she'll have a fucking great rack. Like HUGE. I don't know how Legion would forget about a rack that spectacular, but he did. He's probably a fag, too.

She'll be all like, "This place, this Object and I were not meant to be. Cast aside into the obsidian depths of non-being, we -" Then you gotta just punch her right in the face. Like, "BANG! Your FACE!"

Then stick your hand down her cleavage and there will totally be this awesome, thing. Like, the essence of impossibility or something. Just go with it.

The crazy shit you pulled out of her cleavage is either Object 0 or 2539 of 538. I'm still trying to determine which is more awesome.

The Holder of the Chosen Path

In any technologically advanced country, go to the most technologically enhanced city. Go to the biggest electronics or gadget store you can find, and stay in front of the doors, not moving, until your cell phone clock says 12:34 AM.

When this time arrives, close your eyes and walk backward thirteen paces. Then, put your feet together at the heels and open your eyes, and turn to your right.

You will see a truck about to run you over, and you will notice the license plate reads XIII-013 and the side of the truck will have the words Thirteen Is A Magic Number. If you see an SUV or a sedan, you are doomed. You did it wrong and will never awake from your eternal slumber.

When you get hit by the truck, you will black out. In due time, you will wake up in the middle of the electronics store, and when you look at your watch, it will say 66:66 AMPM. If you see any other time, strangle yourself with any wires you can find; this fate is better than getting mauled to death by digital demons.

However, if you are lucky and the time reads correctly, then stand, and walk up to any cash register and say, "I would like to speak with the Holder of the Chosen Path".

If the cash register spazzes out and all the money goes flying everywhere, you did it correctly. Look for a $1,000,000 bond to fly out and catch it. If you examine it closer, you will find that the picture on it is that of a being not of this world.

Ask the bond, "How will they choose their fate?"

If asked correctly, all the money will cover you from head to toe, disintegrating your clothing and you will see a whirl of color.

When your vision clears, you will be in the middle of a street with multiple 19th-century-style street lamps. You will be completely nude, and next to you, your best friend in the entire world will be there, also nude.

Pay no attention to him yet. Start walking down the street, taking care to step only into the lit areas of the road. Whenever you move, your friend will too. After the third lamp, he should start humming a tune that you know. Feel free to hum or whistle along. If he hums another tune that is unfamiliar or doesn't hum at all, feel free to pray and hope your deliverance will be swift.

After two verses of humming, your friend will say to you, "Which path?"

Do not answer him. You will see two houses, one on either side of the street. Go to the right house, and look in the large bay window. You will see your friend having intercourse with the woman of his dreams. Outside, under the window, will be yourself, a beggar, homeless, looking for spare change.

Do not be alarmed at this, or show any emotion. Don't linger here.

Cross the street, and look into the other house's identical bay window. You will see the opposite: yourself, having intercourse with the woman of your dreams. Your friend will be the beggar outside.

Now, walk back to the middle of the street. You will be fully clothed when you walk into the light, and your friend will be gone. Close your eyes and ask, "Wie weit sind sie von ihrem gewähltem Pfad abgekommen?" which translates to "How far did they stray from their Chosen Path?"

Open your eyes. You will see a man about 22, standing and grinning three feet from where you stand. He will start to explain in excruciating detail, and with a voice like a car accident, the different times in history and in the future when people strayed from the path of righteousness with selfish reasons, and how it got other people killed.

Most cannot stand this and go insane. However, if, at the end, your sanity is still intact, say, "Ich werde auf meinem gewähltem Pfad gehen." This roughly translates to, "I will go unto my Chosen Path."

Now, you have thirty seconds to make a choice. The lights will blackout, one by one, until the only lights are in the two houses. Trust me, you don't want to be stuck in the dark here.

Choose which reality you favor, and dive through that window. You will blackout, and when you wake, you will be in the place you call home, sleeping on your bed. The clock will read 12:35 AM. In your hand will be a small Global Positioning System device.

The GPS device is Object 359 of 538. It will show the path you must take. The path you have just chosen is now reality. Dare you stray from your Chosen Path?

The Holder of the Fish

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit something that calls itself "The Holder of the Fish". The worker will drool slightly before soiling herself. If you laugh, or show any form of amusement when this occurs, you will spend eternity soiling yourself in Hell, while eunuchs berate you with harsh insults and "yo mama" jokes.

Should you remain stony-faced, the worker will transform into a DEMON. Immediately twirl around 538 times whilst pledging your allegiance to the Fish Lord.

Twirl around even one time less or more, then you will suffer a fate worse than five-hundred and thirty-eight flame-filled, agonizing deaths. You will lose your ability to do basic mathematics!

Once you have twirled for 538 times, the worker will transform back into their human form, and lead you down a path that wasn't there before, the path seemingly appearing in a 538th dimension, a path seemingly into your own subconscious!

Whilst reading this path, you will come across your deepest fears played out in front of you, walls will turn into spiders, clouds will rain snakes, men will hit on you.

Eventually, you will come across a portal, not a door. The portal is unlike anything you have ever seen before. It cannot be distinguished whether it be solid, liquid, gas, or plasma.

If you enter this portal, you will certainly receive a vital object. However, if you do not enter, you will also receive another object.

By now the worker has gone, left in his place a familiar smell, the smell of fear and asparagus.

You enter, a sense of dread fills you, your balls tighten in an invisible vice-like grip, you feel wetness in your left ear, your right ear appears to be no longer attached to your head, darkness envelops you.

Bright light suddenly blinds your vision, you can make out a figure.

The figure approaches you.

It is a man, with an annoying air of smug confidence surrounding him.

You begin to tremble in fear, you recognize him.

The object is a giant black dildo, a hastily-drawn smiley face drawn on the head.

It's Ashton Kutcher, you've just been Punkd, bitch.

The Holder of the Flame-Broiled

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of the Flame-Broiled". Should a look of childlike fear come over the worker's face, you will then be taken to a cell in the building. It will be in a deep hidden section of the building. All you will hear is the sound of heavy breathing echoing through the halls. Your very soul will feel unspeakable fear.

Should the breathing stop at any time, STOP and QUICKLY say aloud, "I'm just passing through, I wish to snack." If you still hear silence, flee. Leave, do not stop for anything, do not go home, don't stay at an inn, just keep moving, sleep where your body drops. You will know in the morning if you've escaped.

If the breathing in the hall comes back after you utter those words, continue on. Upon reaching the cell, all you will see is a windowless room with a king in the corner, his mouth frozen into an insane grin, and cradling something. The person will only respond to one question: "What happens when they flame-broil it fresh when you order instead of leaving it under a heat lamp?"

The king will then stare into your eyes and say nothing. Many go mad in that very cell, some disappear soon after the meeting, a few end their lives. But most do the worst thing, and eat the object in the king's hands. You will want to as well. Be warned that if you do, your death will be one of high cholesterol and unrelenting hypertension.

Your death will be in that room, by that BK Breakfast Sandwich.

The BK Breakfast Sandwich is 1 of a 6-part value menu. They must never come together. Never.

Available for a limited time at participating Burger Kings.

The Holder of the Holder

In any city or country, except for North Korea, go to any bathroom. In the bathroom, scream, "Shut up and take my money!" Then wash your hands 456789123 times. Once you do this, close the door and pee on your hands. An emerald and a hedgehog will appear out of nowhere. Right when the hedgehog is about to touch the emerald, yell in a stern voice, "DON'T TOUCH IT!!!" If you don't in time, RUN. Jump out the nearest window and run to find your mortal enemy. Ask them, "Do you know what I'm talking about?" then take their nose and step on it. If your enemy does not have a nose, then GOOD LUCK trying to survive. Otherwise, wait exactly 11 seconds and 669 milliseconds before grabbing the emerald. Make sure you grab it at the speed of light. Then, take a bath or shower. You will come out and see that there are three emeralds around. Grab one, break another one, and eat the third one. You will have 2 minutes to do this. If you hear a scream, yell, "Hello, I'm Barney the Dinosaur!" If the scream comes back, you are safe. If not, try to break your head with the emerald. After you finish with the emeralds, the bathroom door will have a seizure. Step over it and you will find a man holding a baby. He will only respond to two questions. 1: "What in the name of carbon monoxide are you doing?!?!" OR 2: "Is your power level over 9000?"

Ask either question.

If the baby laughs, you are damned.

If the baby cries, your eyeballs will fall out.

If the baby turns into a demon, you are clear.

The demon will pick up the man and give it to you.

You will wake up in an oven. Get the hell out of the oven and into the nearest 7/11. Ask for over 9000 Slurpees.

You will get a golden Slurpee. Grab the Slurpee and throw it at the clerk. Leave the store and hug the man in your hands. You will find yourself in front of a Wal-Mart. You are free.

The man is Object -888 out of 538. Will you be able to eat an emerald when the time comes?

The Holder of the Minty Fudge Ripple

In any city, in any country in the world, go to any ice cream parlor you can get yourself to with a live duck on your head. DO NOT ASK WHY. At the counter, ask for the Scoop of the Ages.

Should the worker laugh, all hope is gone. Foul hands will reach up from the floor and pull you down to the darkest depths of Hoboken, New Jersey.

Should the worker look blank, turn and walk away. Today was not your day.

Should the worker turn into a large haddock wearing a monocle and top hat and offer you a penny-farthing ride to the moon, it's time to stop smoking whatever you've been smoking.

If, however, the worker nods grimly and picks up his scoop, you have passed the first trial. Beware, for they get far worse from here on out.

The worker will reach beneath the counter and bring out a scoop of strawberry ice cream, and wordlessly hand it to you. Eat it. It will be the strawberriest thing you have ever tasted. Many have gone mad from the sheer strawberritude of the strawberry.

When you have finished, the worker will ask you how it tasted. You must answer, "Strawberrific!" Fail to do so, and the worker will seize you, drag you behind the counter, and use your skin to make waffle cones.

If, however, you say the right thing, he will next produce a scoop of vanilla. It will be the vanilliest vanilla ever tasted by man or beast. Quite a few people have later stated, "Damn, that is some vanilly vanilla!" When you have finished, the worker will again ask you how it tasted. You must answer, "Vanillicious!" If you do not, you will be seized and used for the foulest waffle cones in history.

The worker will then hand you a scoop of chocolate, as dark as a very dark thing. It has been whispered in hushed tones, mainly by laryngitis patients, that light itself cannot escape its surface. The chocolate will be the chocolatiest chocolate that ever saw the light of day, so rich that it could buy a thousand mansions and still have enough left over to purchase Mars. The worker will once more ask how it tasted. You MUST respond, "Choctacular!" If you don't... you know. The waffle cone thing.

You will now face the Holder, a naked woman made entirely of butter pecan swirl. Don't eat her. It pisses her off so. She will only respond to one question: "O Mighty Holder of the Ripple of Mint-like Fudge, just what the hell kind of flavor is Rainbow anyway?"

She will tell you, in horrendous detail. Be warned, it may very well sear your soul from your body and rend it in twain. Mark Twain, to be precise, who will imprison you forever in a first edition of Tom Sawyer.

If you survive the ordeal, you will be handed the Scoop of the Ages. It has the power to scoop pure minty fudge ripple from any surface.

The Scoop of the Ages is Object I've Lost Count of 538. But you will never be able to enjoy it, or any other ice cream again.

EVER.

The Holder of the Mudkips

While visiting any city you don't live in, search for any public library. Come in, and then ask the librarian "So I herd you like Mudkipz?" If he doesn't answer "I LUUUUUUV MUDKIPZ!!!1!11!", then run out of the library for your life. Don't stop anywhere, just run where your eyes lead you. If you won't run, you will see things that humankind was never meant to see. But if the librarian answers in the shown way, then he will lead you to an underground room with three Pokeballs on a table. He will point at one and say, "This one is Mudkipz." You must take that Pokeball, otherwise you will be horribly mutilated by the Mudkipz.

Mudkips in this Pokeball is Object 233 of 538. It can shoot water out from his mouth, he's cool, and can even do a thing like flying. The Pokeball is used to store Mudkipz whenever you don't need to use his powers.

The Holder of the Mudkipz

While visiting any city you don't live in, search for any public library. Come in, and then ask the librarian "So I herd you like Mudkipz?" If he doesn't answer "I LUUUUUUV MUDKIPZ!!!1!11!", then run out of the library for your life. Don't stop anywhere, just run where your eyes lead you. If you won't run, you will see things that humankind was never meant to see. But if the librarian answers in the shown way, then he will lead you to an underground room with three Pokeballs on a table. He will point at one and say, "This one is Mudkipz." You must take that Pokeball, otherwise you will be horribly mutilated by the Mudkipz.

Mudkips in this Pokeball is Object 233 of 538. It can shoot water out from his mouth, he's cool, and can even do a thing like flying. The Pokeball is used to store Mudkipz whenever you don't need to use his powers.

The Holder of the Noob

In any city, in any country, go to bed as usual. If you are (un)lucky enough, they will come by themselves, and there's nothing you can do to stop them. If they are on their way, you will have unspeakable nightmares, but the worst is yet to come, the nightmares can't hurt you. Soon enough, you will be woken up by demonic screams, "NOOB NOOOOOOOOOB NOOB!!!!!" The intensity of these screams will be so extreme, it will surpass everything you have ever heard in your life. Not only will it be louder than a thousand helicopters starting, the sound will be such an unpleasant one that it feels like your ears are being stabbed with knives.

Eventually, this will wake you up. Most likely, it will put you in a state of great confusion. Beware, if you fall down or run against a wall, your suffering will only increase. You will notice that the horrible screaming won't stop, no matter what you try to do. Trying to block your ears is futile, as the sound will pierce every material known to man. The only thing you can do is sit through this and suffer. The screaming may stop in the night, but it will start very early again, not granting you much sleep.

Many go insane at this point, starting to harm themselves accidentally or not, desperately trying to defend themselves from the sound. But the worst thing you can do is try to fight them. You will not see them if you look, the sound just seems to come out of nowhere. But they will know if you desire to harm them, and your suffering will increase to such a level that your death is inevitable. If you manage to survive this torture for several months, you may start seeing them. They may look harmless at first, some would even consider them to look like regular animals, but don't be fooled; they always have body parts they shouldn't. They may also start screaming a second sound, which is not as loud as their original one, but just as painful and they will start switching between them. This one sounds somewhat like "IIIIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIHIKKIIIIIKIIKIKIKIIII!!!!!!"

Try to keep track of them. They will seem to disappear, but the screaming won't. And eventually, they come back. Try to see where they are before they disappear and make sure you remember this spot well. In next spring, you can try to walk to that spot, with something like a long stick. Beware though, if they happen to pop out of there just as you are nearing, you will annoy them. If you are lucky enough, stab the spot with your stick a few times. Should something like a nest drop out, grab the egg inside it quickly and run inside as fast as possible. The egg will look like a regular chicken egg, just smaller. Now you have to destroy it, but look out, this task is the most difficult one. There are not many known substances which can pierce through the egg's armor, but legend states that if it is bathed in sacred water from under a volcano and then quickly stabbed with 1337 ancient Katanas at the same time, it will crack open. If you fail to destroy the egg in time, you will die an excruciating death, delivered to you by the inhabitant of the egg. Or you can just hit it with a GameBoy. That works better. However, if you destroyed the egg, catch the vile liquids inside it and keep them safe. This will cause them to eventually go away, but it is uncertain if they will stay away forever.

The liquid inside of the egg is Object 1337 of over 9000. You may have managed to get rid of them for now, but may the gods have mercy on your soul if they ever decide to come back. Remember the NOOB NOOOOOOOOOB NOOB!!!!! Remember it well.

The Holder of the Note

In any city, in any country, go to any high school you can get yourself to. When you reach the front lawn, if you are (un)lucky, you will see a black notebook fall from the sky. If this does not happen, then... oh well. Go home, you will never find the notebook. If you do see this notebook fall from the sky, pick it up and try to read the words written on the back of it. Many men have gone insane at this point, and if you manage to survive the excruciatingly long process of reading the 11 words inscribed there, with your sanity intact, take it home with you.

Now that you are in the possession of this black notebook, and in the safety of your own room, turn on the television to the closest news station. There will be a hostage situation at another school near you. Write the name of the terrorist in the notebook when they show his face, and wait 40 seconds. If you do this right, students will start to run out of the building, exclaiming the terrorist's death. If you do something wrong, the eternal torment you'd face in Hell would be a breezy summer's day compared to the nightmarish terror that multiple gunshots will inflict upon you. You can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.

Should you turn around and see a figure wearing black clothing, hunched over in midair with bulging eyes who introduces himself as Ryuk, you must first fall off your chair screaming like a complete bitch. Then you must respond, in a disinterested tone: "I'm not surprised to see you, Ryuk. In fact, I've been waiting for you." If you have spoken these words correctly, the figure will laugh and feast on an apple your mom brought you. If not, pray your death is swift and heart-related.

If you are still alive after all of this, the Object is yours. It is 1337 of 2538. It will kill any human you write in its pages in 40 seconds, so long as you have their face in mind. However, you will not be able to go to either Heaven or Hell when you die. But hey, fuck it, you're the god of the new world.

The note is Object 1337 of 538. Beware, They are now looking for you, killer.

The Holder of the Office

In any office in any country, go into the break room and make two cups of coffee. The second must be made with one-quarter milk, three teaspoons sugar, and one teaspoon coffee. One is for yourself and one for the Holder. Make sure you don't start to drink your coffee before the Holder comes.

When a man comes, someone you have never seen before in a white shirt and black pants, and asks you "Two sugars, right?", reply, "No, three, like usual." He will then smile and pick up the coffee, drinking it slowly. Only now may you drink yours. To do so beforehand would have meant your untimely end.

After he sets his mug down, ask him this and only this: "What's going to happen to the department after the merger?" He will then tell you, in horrible detail, what will happen. During this, you must NOT drink your coffee, as dry as your mouth will get, as cold as you will feel, don't drink for the coffee will burn you from the inside out.

Once the man stops talking and sips his coffee again, take a sip of your and say, "Do you have the report I asked for?" If he hands you anything other than a CD, drop it and turn away, leaving your office and never come back. If he hands you a CD, take it and thank him.

This object is 505 of 538. On it will be the reports of every merger ever attempted, failed or successful from the dawn of time 'til its end.

The Holder of the Page Title That Was Clearly Far Too Long to Be Taken Seriously

Go to the nearest refrigerator or 7/11 and approach the first transsexual Chinese prostitute you see. Demand to speak to "The Holder of the Page Title That Was (hold on, page 2 on my cell phone) Clearly Far Too Long To Be Taken Seriously". Afterward, she will smile, grab your hand, and pull you outside of the store. If she forces your hand down to grab her junk, GET OUT BRO. If she bends over though, and balls don't touch, it's okay as long as you use protection.

She will require about a hundred dollars. If you haven't done so, get a penicillin shot and make sure to bottle a fairy - they make great backup items when your defenses are down. She will take you out back of the building and will start stripping off her clothes (if they aren't off already). Immediately shoot her in the face after having possibly homoerotic sexual intimacy prior, and proceed directly to committing acts of sodomy with her asshole (if you have questionable judgment regarding necrophiliac behavior, make sure you shoot yourself in the head - you were good for nothing anyway).

Once finished, an egg will pop out of her ass. Grab the egg and proceed to get it surgically constructed into your bowels. Congratulations! You now have the Sphincter Tickler. Unfortunately, you now have AIDS, but it's okay, at least you had promiscuous sex and violently murdered a rather attractive transsexual prostitute because you accidentally read the wrong information on what you should be seeking.

Also, sodomy is a major risk factor for contracting sexually transmitted diseases - consult your nearest Holder of Death or semi-automatic handgun for best results in worst-case scenarios, as the madness of dick bleeding may leave you too helpless to get a call from either.

You obtained Object ???? out of 538, which just so happened to be nothing more than a myriad of bad news, STDs, and violent crime, which more than likely will lead to your imprisonment in a physical prison against your will.

The Holder of the Penis

In any city, in any country, go to any penis you can get yourself to. When you reach the front penis, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of the Penis". Should da look of child-like fear come over the worker's penis, you will then be taken to a penis in the building. All you will hear is the sound of someone talking to their penis echo in the penis. It is in a language that you will not understand, but your very penis will feel unspeakable fear.

Should the penis stop at any time, STOP and QUICKLY say aloud, "I'm just passing through, I wish to talk." If you still hear silence, flee. Leave, do not stop for penis, do not go home, don't stay at an inn, just keep moving, and sleep where your penis drops. You will know in the morning if you've escaped.

If the voice in the penis comes back after your penis utters those words, continue on. Upon reaching the penis, all you will see is a windowless room with a penis in the corner, speaking an unknown language, and cradling a penis. The penis will only respond to one question. "What happens when the penises together?"

The penis will then stare into your penis and answer your question in horrifying detail.

"Butt sex."

Many go mad in that very room, some disappear soon after the meeting, and a few end their penis. But most do the worst thing, and look upon the penis in the penis's hands. You will want to as well. Be warned that if you do, your penis will be one of cruelty and unrelenting horror.

Your penis will be in that penis, by that penis's penis.

That Object is 1 of 538. They must never come together. Penis.

The Holder of the Random Encounter

In Cerulean City, in Kanto, go to the only Pokèmon Center you can go to. When you reach the front desk, ask for "The Holder of the Random Encounter". The nurse will say, "Welcome to our Pokèmon Center. We can heal your Pokèmon to full health. Shall we heal your Pokèmon?" Answer yes, and she will take your team and restore them. You will need their strength.

Leave the Pokèmon Center and quickly leave town to the north. If you are attacked by a young boy, you have obviously not prepared for your encounter. If you somehow defeat this child, continue to the north; five warriors will challenge you. It will take all of the strength that you have, but you must conquer them. However, do not challenge the sixth warrior waiting above you, nor a seventh to the east. They will be of infinite use to you later in your quest. If you are defeated by any of these warriors, fear not; your only penalties shall be in money and pride. You shall awaken at the Pokèmon Center completely unscathed, but with half of your money missing. It is a small price to pay. You may try again if you wish, but you are better off honing your strength first.

If you do manage to conquer these warriors, you will be awarded with gold; do not be distracted by this glimmering nugget, however. The final warrior will then offer you a high-ranking position in a mighty criminal organization, but you must refuse! If you are firm with your decision, the fifth warrior shall vanish before your eyes. The Holder has just deemed you worthy. Return to the Pokèmon Center and begin anew - this time, the warriors will not challenge you.

Once again exiting to the north, position yourself in front of the sixth warrior, but do not let him see you until you are prepared. As soon as your eyes meet, you must somehow fly or teleport back to the Pokèmon Center. If you are too slow, or you lack the ability to teleport or fly, this warrior will challenge you, and whether you win or lose, all hope is lost; you shall never obtain the Object you desire!

There is no turning back now. Once again, leave town by the north, this time avoiding the sixth warrior. Follow the path as it curves to the east. You will see many more humans and monsters, but pay them no mind. If any of them should talk to you or challenge you, you have failed, and the Object shall never appear. Eventually, you will come across a young boy, but do not approach him, or all time will freeze and you shall be locked in place until the universe's batteries run dry. Instead, let him approach you.

He will attack you with a pink monster that spits water at high force, but you must overcome his power with monsters of your own. Once he is defeated, walk away from him without saying a word, back toward Cerulean City. After taking a few steps, you will suddenly freeze in place, and when you can move again, reality will distort around you. In front of you shall be a feline creature resembling an unborn fetus.

This beast will not attack you unless you move as well. Do not destroy it, or your quest shall be for naught; instead, opt to catch it with mystical red-and-white orbs you have previously acquired. If you have none, well, you're one hell of an idiot and this whole thing was a waste of your time and mine! Pray that you have a backup save.

If you do manage to capture this creature, it shall be yours to keep. It will loyally follow your commands and assist you in great battles to come.

This creature is Object number 151 of 649. It can learn any TM or HM move in the game.

The Holder of the Remote

In any city, in any country, go to any Bed, Bath, and Beyond you can get yourself to. When you reach the first checkout station, ask to visit someone who calls himself "the Holder of the Remote". The clerk will raise her eyebrow and motion for you to follow her as she leads you to a door at the back of the store. You would think it strange that you never noticed this gleaming blue door with the word "Beyond" written upon it. Nevertheless, open it and walk through. You'll have stepped into a room full of shelves cluttered with unnamable objects. Ignore these devices and continue walking to the desk at the back of the room. Stand there for 5 minutes until a man with risen gray hair and a blue store uniform pops out from behind the counter. He will identify himself as Morty, God of Death.

The only thing you will be able to ask Morty safely is: "What do you have that is different than the others?" Morty will jump from behind the counter and lead you to a very high shelf. He will raise himself up and grab a blue remote with a silvery sheen. Do not touch the remote or you will die on the spot from his inescapable gaze. Instead, tell him, "You have my word that I will not abuse my power." He will hand over the remote. Take it and leave the way you came.

The remote is Object Emo of 538. You control your life, but do not let it control you.

The Holder of the Return

In any city, in any country, go to your house. Walk into your kitchen, and find a spoon. It must be metal - plastic or wooden ones will not do. Hold the metal spoon in your hand, and stare into it. Memorize the subtleties of your reflections, as well as the nuances of the utensil's contours. Imprint firmly in your mind the cool gleam of the metal, the warmth of the implement in your hand. Eventually, you will begin to fall into a trance-like state, and will be compelled by forces unknown to you to say, "There is no spoon." You will blackout.

What will follow will be the most vivid, horrific nightmare imaginable. Your truest, deepest love will be dying a death so horrible that you will scarcely be able to comprehend it. You will only be able to watch helplessly as they perish horrifically in unimaginable agony. The experience will be so horrible that your heart may stop beating, your soul rending itself asunder. Should you give in, you will descend to a place of torture unthinkable. If you persevere, however, you will eventually wake up.

You will find yourself in a strange bedroom, sparsely clad and totally unfamiliar to you. To your supreme shock, your love will be sitting beside your bed. The unexpectedness of this event will cause you to shout, "Help you I think you're dead!" "No, I am not," your lover will reply simply, pouring themselves a beverage known to you as "water drink".

Just then, a man will walk into your room. You will instantly recognize him as your best friend, although his name will change constantly, ranging anywhere from Merpheus to Morpeud. If you say his name incorrectly, he will kill you, and your soul will be rent apart with agony. Therefore, do not speak his name at all, as you have no hope of saying it correctly. "Good morning," your friend will say, "We must kung fu."

You will then be subjected to the most grueling physical test you can possibly conceive of as you and your friend train in the ancient ways of jiu-jitsu and the martial arts. Your muscles will burn, your joints will creak, and your bones will crack as you are pushed to the edge and beyond. It is highly likely that you will die here, giving in to your unbearable fatigue. Eventually, you will land a kick on your friend, signifying that the training session is over. "Good job," one of you will say.

Suddenly, your true love will burst into the room. They will say, "We got a distress signal. It is from -" You must close your ears for the last part. Should you hear the name of the one who sent the signal, your brains will leak out your ears, and you will go on living as a mindless drone for eternity. You must instead follow your two companions.

When you arrive at your destination, you will find that the sender of the distress signal is unharmed. However, there will be an unimaginable horrific monster, known only as a "sentinel". You must brave your fear and disgust and punch the creature, or else it will destroy you utterly. Pain will shoot up your arm as you punch the creature, and you will be consumed by the agony if your mind is not strictly disciplined. "You must be careful," he will admonish you, before shooting the creature with a firearm that materialized seemingly from thin air.

At this juncture, you must simply say, "Wait." Reach out with your mind, and do your best to grasp how to kill the "sentinels". However, a moment's time will show you that you have tried in futility - machines have created a new matrix. You will realize with horror that in this matrix, you cannot use your powers.

Upon this realization, you will look dead, although you will be able to perceive all events around you. "What happened in the first matrix?" someone will say. "They are all dead."

"This is too much," your friend will shout quietly. "Help me fight to save this."

"I will help you," your true love will say with a cry. They will be sad 'cause they thought you were dead. You will be helpless, unable to tell them that it is only a matrix trick. You could try to say "help" if you are inclined, but you will find that your body is frozen. Beware, however: struggle too much, and your body will begin to rot and decay, your very soul destroyed by burning entropy.

A radar screen will appear out of nowhere, and your friend will look at it. "Oh no!" he will exclaim. "More matrix is attacking us!" "We will have to jug in," your love will say. Although you will have no idea what this means, you will comprehend the grave implications of her statement.

When your companions have "jugged in", you will see that they face legions of strange, twisted creatures called "Smiths". This will be due to the matrix's corruption. The Smiths will run at your friends, the horrifying creatures slavering and yelling things incomprehensible. "I'll fight this 500," your friend will say as he charges valiantly into battle, swording out his katana at great attack. You and your love (from different viewpoints, of course) will both watch in amazement. "You are so good," your true love will say to your friend.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a data will appear. Your friend will read it because he is fighting agents and making them run. However, to his shock, the data will say some information! He will realize then that you are alive, and they will take off using phone interface in order to speak to you.

Without warning, you will find yourself able to move again, and back in the normal realm of this Holder's world. You will realize that you were liberated by a powerful and arcane force, known only as "medical equipment". Do not attempt to understand this awesome power, or else you will descend slowly and painfully into utter madness.

However, should you survive, you will then have to give an inspirational speech to a crew that has mysteriously appeared in front of you. You must also include as many grammatical mistakes in it as you possibly can. If your speech is not inspirational or grammatically incorrect enough, you will descend to the lowest circle of Hell for eternity.

You must conclude your speech by saying with your fist, "Gentlemen, the fight goes on!" The thunderous cheering will cause you to blackout. When you awake, you will be in your own bed. However, you will soon find out that you have been imbued with godlike strength, power enough to surmount any obstacle, achieve any goal. Beware, though: with great strength comes great responsibility.

Your new strength is Object eleventy jillion of eleventy jillion and one. There is no spoon.

The Holder of the Ride

In any city, in any country, go to your house. Walk into your kitchen, and find a spoon. It must be metal - plastic or wooden ones will not do. Hold the metal spoon in your hand, and stare into it. Memorize the subtleties of your reflections, as well as the nuances of the utensil's contours. Imprint firmly in your mind the cool gleam of the metal, the warmth of the implement in your hand. Eventually, you will begin to fall into a trance-like state, and will be compelled by forces unknown to you to say, "There is no spoon." You will blackout.

What will follow will be the most vivid, horrific nightmare imaginable. Your truest, deepest love will be dying a death so horrible that you will scarcely be able to comprehend it. You will only be able to watch helplessly as they perish horrifically in unimaginable agony. The experience will be so horrible that your heart may stop beating, your soul rending itself asunder. Should you give in, you will descend to a place of torture unthinkable. If you persevere, however, you will eventually wake up.

You will find yourself in a strange bedroom, sparsely clad and totally unfamiliar to you. To your supreme shock, your love will be sitting beside your bed. The unexpectedness of this event will cause you to shout, "Help you I think you're dead!" "No, I am not," your lover will reply simply, pouring themselves a beverage known to you as "water drink".

Just then, a man will walk into your room. You will instantly recognize him as your best friend, although his name will change constantly, ranging anywhere from Merpheus to Morpeud. If you say his name incorrectly, he will kill you, and your soul will be rent apart with agony. Therefore, do not speak his name at all, as you have no hope of saying it correctly. "Good morning," your friend will say, "We must kung fu."

You will then be subjected to the most grueling physical test you can possibly conceive of as you and your friend train in the ancient ways of jiu-jitsu and the martial arts. Your muscles will burn, your joints will creak, and your bones will crack as you are pushed to the edge and beyond. It is highly likely that you will die here, giving in to your unbearable fatigue. Eventually, you will land a kick on your friend, signifying that the training session is over. "Good job," one of you will say.

Suddenly, your true love will burst into the room. They will say, "We got a distress signal. It is from -" You must close your ears for the last part. Should you hear the name of the one who sent the signal, your brains will leak out your ears, and you will go on living as a mindless drone for eternity. You must instead follow your two companions.

When you arrive at your destination, you will find that the sender of the distress signal is unharmed. However, there will be an unimaginable horrific monster, known only as a "sentinel". You must brave your fear and disgust and punch the creature, or else it will destroy you utterly. Pain will shoot up your arm as you punch the creature, and you will be consumed by the agony if your mind is not strictly disciplined. "You must be careful," he will admonish you, before shooting the creature with a firearm that materialized seemingly from thin air.

At this juncture, you must simply say, "Wait." Reach out with your mind, and do your best to grasp how to kill the "sentinels". However, a moment's time will show you that you have tried in futility - machines have created a new matrix. You will realize with horror that in this matrix, you cannot use your powers.

Upon this realization, you will look dead, although you will be able to perceive all events around you. "What happened in the first matrix?" someone will say. "They are all dead."

"This is too much," your friend will shout quietly. "Help me fight to save this."

"I will help you," your true love will say with a cry. They will be sad 'cause they thought you were dead. You will be helpless, unable to tell them that it is only a matrix trick. You could try to say "help" if you are inclined, but you will find that your body is frozen. Beware, however: struggle too much, and your body will begin to rot and decay, your very soul destroyed by burning entropy.

A radar screen will appear out of nowhere, and your friend will look at it. "Oh no!" he will exclaim. "More matrix is attacking us!" "We will have to jug in," your love will say. Although you will have no idea what this means, you will comprehend the grave implications of her statement.

When your companions have "jugged in", you will see that they face legions of strange, twisted creatures called "Smiths". This will be due to the matrix's corruption. The Smiths will run at your friends, the horrifying creatures slavering and yelling things incomprehensible. "I'll fight this 500," your friend will say as he charges valiantly into battle, swording out his katana at great attack. You and your love (from different viewpoints, of course) will both watch in amazement. "You are so good," your true love will say to your friend.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a data will appear. Your friend will read it because he is fighting agents and making them run. However, to his shock, the data will say some information! He will realize then that you are alive, and they will take off using phone interface in order to speak to you.

Without warning, you will find yourself able to move again, and back in the normal realm of this Holder's world. You will realize that you were liberated by a powerful and arcane force, known only as "medical equipment". Do not attempt to understand this awesome power, or else you will descend slowly and painfully into utter madness.

However, should you survive, you will then have to give an inspirational speech to a crew that has mysteriously appeared in front of you. You must also include as many grammatical mistakes in it as you possibly can. If your speech is not inspirational or grammatically incorrect enough, you will descend to the lowest circle of Hell for eternity.

You must conclude your speech by saying with your fist, "Gentlemen, the fight goes on!" The thunderous cheering will cause you to blackout. When you awake, you will be in your own bed. However, you will soon find out that you have been imbued with godlike strength, power enough to surmount any obstacle, achieve any goal. Beware, though: with great strength comes great responsibility.

Your new strength is Object eleventy jillion of eleventy jillion and one. There is no spoon.

The Holder of TheHolders.org

Sign on to any computer and load any browser that is installed on the computer. Find a search engine and type in "The Holders". If you make a typo, then you will be forced to sit there, typing "The Holders" in your search bar forever. You will get taken to a normal search page. Click on the first result. If it leads you to this website, then your fate is sealed. You will stare at the icon of the eye until you go mad and kill yourself in the most brutal way possible. If your computer crashes, then turn around. If there is somebody behind you, then you are too late. They will claw out your eyes and rip out your heart in a second, and you will be forced to live in pain for eternity. If there is nobody there, then reboot your computer. This time, type "I seek the Holder of TheHolders.org". If you make a typo, you will suffer the same fate you did as if you made a typo when typing "The Holders". Otherwise, you should again get taken to a normal search page. Click on the first result. If your computer crashes again, then bash your head on the keyboard until you die. If you do not do this, or stop at any time, They will find you. If you get taken to this website, continue.

Click on "Series List". Browse the list and pay attention to the numbers. They should go from 1 to 538, and then 2538. If you see any other number, then one of the writers have made a mistake, and you will be forced to finish the series, writing the entries for every number that has not been created yet from 1 to 2538. If not, then read all the stories on that page. This will take less time than you expected. When you are done, click Message Board. Post a thread with the title "The Holders" and write in the message body "What is TheHolders?" If anyone other than a man named Sysop replies, then even They will cry for you.

If it is Sysop, then he will say one of three things. If he says "I'm sorry, but that will not work," then turn off your computer. As long as you never mention The Holders to anyone, you will live a happy life. If he says "You cannot learn," then you will never be able to gain an Object. Any Objects you already have will be returned. You will live a happy life, but nothing this page says will have any effect in real life. If he says "They are a story with a great responsibility. Can you accept it?", then quickly type "I will hold the holders". Then your printer will start up. It will start printing a picture of an eye, the same picture as the icon of the website. This print will work even if you have no ink. If you have no printer, then you are a fool. Your computer will explode, leaving shards in your skin and paralyzing you for the rest of your life.

This is object Object 2539 of 2538. It is not a true object, but it was created right after object 2538. This printed picture of an eye will tell you the story of the Holders when you ask it for a specific Holder. If you ask it for the Holder of the End, it will tell you the instructions that are written on that page. Whether you use it for entertainment or for the objects is up to you.

The Holder of Time

In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to. When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself "The Holder of Time". The worker will act like he doesn't know what you're talking about, first treating it like a joke, and then threatening to call security. Persist long enough, and he will ask if you want to see the doctor.

If you say no, you will be killed instantly. Many who have spoken to the Holders choose this, for it is the ultimate mercy compared to the horrors you face. There is no other escape.

If you say yes, you will be bathed in brilliant blue light. You must remain perfectly still, or else you will be cast out of time, both frozen in an instant and aware of the eternal burn of entropy, and forever experiencing every moment of your decline into insanity all in one moment.

Remain still until you hear a sound, an ethereal blend of musical and metallic. It will increase slowly, the sound and light seeping into your mind and carrying you away with it. If you survive with your sanity intact, you will long for that sound for the rest of your life.

When the sound and light fade, you will find yourself in a large room made of metal. One man will stand in the center of it, his appearance and clothing constantly changing. He will speak incessantly, telling stories about every time and place in the whole of the existence of the universe. He will not stop speaking unless he is asked, "When will they come together?"

He will stare at you and hold out his hand as he shifts through different appearances. You will feel an overwhelming temptation to take his hand, though part of your mind will fear what awaits you if you do. If you take his hand, you will experience each of his stories as though you lived them, and in the millennia that pass before he releases you, you will fall into insanity.

After his twelfth shift into a new appearance, his thirteenth life, the man will answer your question, and a small key will appear in his hand.

The key is Object 1926 of 2538. Pray that you never find what it unlocks.

The Holder of Uncomplicatedness

In any cit- Actually, just go to a kiddie park and ask the ticket-counter person(s)/thing(s) for Object 2 of 3. He/She/It/They will hand you a rock.

This rock is Object 2 of 3. Where it goes, no one knows.

The Holder of Unicorns

In any city, in any country, go to any farm that you can get yourself to. Tell any farmer that you want to see "The Holder of Unicorns". If he gives you a knife, congratulations to you, the Holder accepts you. But if he gives you a gun, then shoot yourself in the head, because the gun is for fighting with hideous and horrible monsters, don't even think you're gonna win with this small gun.

Take the knife and follow him. He will lead you on the road between the trees. While walking, you'll see the trees change, from the spring to the summer, autumn, and finally winter, although that country doesn't have all four seasons. Next is a ghostly, murky, and deadly forest. And finally is a wood that looks like it's from a cartoon, where the trees are pink, the sky is blue with a rainbow, and the streams. And this is the right order, if the order is changed, you will die in many ways. If the summer goes first, you will be burnt. If the autumn goes first, you will be plant food. If the winter goes first, now you are in the cold hell. And if the ghostly forest goes first, you will join the ghost legion of the useless Seekers.

If you could reach the rainbow wood, thank the farmer and keep going and find a pack of unicorns. One of them is the Holder, find it. Its body is blue as the sky, its horn shines like ruby, and its hair is like a rainbow. This is very hard to do because the pack is as crowded as ants. When you've found it, you definitely will be mad, but if you are not, you are very lucky. Point the knife at it and say, "Light it!" The horn will shine, the light will burn your eyes. Immediately cut the horn, pick it up, and run to the way you came before. Don't let the unicorns catch and eat you. While running, you will see the farmer. Give him the knife so he can fight the unicorns for you, but if you don't, he will join them. After that, you certainly will stumble over a rock, fall, and faint. But don't drop the horn, believe me, you don't want to know the result. When you awake, you will see you're lying on a bed in your house.

The unicorn horn is Object 540 of 2538. Tell me, does the mercy for that farmer make you want to puncture the horn right into your heart?

The Holder of Unseen Colors

In any city, in any town, go to any place that sells secondhand books or pen-and-paper roleplaying games. Find a comfortable spot, and sit or lie down there.

It helps if you have read the Vampire World series and any other piece of literature about vampires; you might then be the slightest bit prepared for the encounter to come. Repeat to yourself "Tenebrous Jack, Tenebrous Jack. Went to Elsewhere, never came back," three times with your eyes closed.

When you become aware of your surroundings, you will be in Tenebrous Jack's palace, which He takes with Him when He travels the multiverse. It changes at His whim, but is usually a sweeping, gothic place. You will be free to wander this immense manse - though He locks his doors, they will open to you. Though it is filled with many and terrible creatures, they will not harm you, for visitors are treasured here. Just make sure nobody else follows you through them.

You may encounter the shapeshifting Whampiri Lord here, or he may be out. You have nothing to fear from Him, since He has willing consorts to provide Him with that which sates His hunger. Talk, challenge him to a game, or simply greet Him and leave politely. But do not threaten Him, unless you wish death, and do not offer yourself to Him, for he will take you at your word.

When you wish to leave, find a comfortable place in the manse and repeat this three times with your eyes closed: "Tenebrous Jack, Tenebrous Jack. Went to Elsewhere, then he came back."

You will awake in the place you fell asleep earlier in, probably with a shop attendant or friend shaking you gently.

Tenebrous Jack is inhabitant 1 of 81 creatures in His manse. There are more terrible things than demons in the dark corners of the multiverse.

The Holder of Vice

Unlike the other Objects, which can usually be obtained in any city, in any country, this one can only be gotten in Miami, Florida.

Once you've arrived in Miami, go to any of the lavish hotels on Ocean Drive. Ask the receptionist there to see someone who calls himself "The Holder of Vice". The receptionist should cower as though a gun has been pointed at his face and then duck under the counter. Don't worry; he's not coming back any time soon.

At this point, if you feel that you cannot obtain this Object for any reason, then go up the nearby stairs, find the only room with its door open, lie down on the bed, and close your eyes. After ten minutes, open them and you'll find yourself in your own bed. Nothing bad will happen in your own bed. Nothing bad will happen to you, and you can resume your normal life, but know that you can never go back to Miami. If you live in Miami, you should start packing your bags immediately; you have little time to escape with your life.

However, if you feel that you are fully capable of retrieving this Object, leave the hotel at once. It will seem as though nothing has changed. Don't be fooled; not only are you in a different place, you're in a whole new plane of existence. You are now in Vice City. This twisted doppelganger of Miami is ridden with crime, gang activity, and death. Just staying alive in this town will be difficult enough, but you're on a mission here. Ask the first person you see where Café Robina is. If the person does not know, then you are one of the poor few the Holder has taken a strong dislike to; enjoy your time here while it lasts, for his henchmen are on their way to your location, and they WILL find you.

But most people in town know this café (for it is indeed quite famous here in Vice City, yet not for its food alone), so you should be given detailed directions on how to get there. Now, get into the nearest vehicle (steal it if you must, for Vice City's police force has far more pressing matters to deal with than carjackings) and drive, as quickly as you can, to the café. If, when you arrive, you see a man in a teal, Hawaiian-print shirt sitting on a barstool, you are too late. You have caught the Holder unaware, and he will not hesitate to destroy you in the cruelest, inhuman ways imaginable (if, indeed, they can be imagined).

If, instead, you see an overweight Cuban man bragging to a group of women about his huge "cojones", ask him to see "The Holder of Vice". He should say, "Oh, you want Tommy. He's over on Starfish Island." He'll give you directions, then resume what he was doing before you arrived.

May I suggest that before you confront the Holder, you get as much weaponry as possible. This is not as difficult as it sounds; indeed, there are weapons of all types just lying around the streets and alleys of Vice City, waiting to be obtained by someone who knows where to look. If all else fails, the various gun stores around Vice City should tailor to most of your needs; just make sure you've got some cash on hand. Once you feel you are sufficiently equipped, head over to Tommy's mansion.

Upon entering, climb the main stairs and enter the first room you see. You should find the aforementioned man in the Hawaiian-print shirt sitting behind a desk; flanking him on either side are a short, pasty man with curly red hair and ridiculous-looking glasses, and a man who fits the description of the stereotypical cowboy to a tee. He will ask you to state your business; the only thing you may reply with is, "I'm here to shut your business down." Say anything else, and he'll see right through your weak façade; he will order his two guards to hold you down, and then he himself will submit you to horrors best left unspoken.

If you respond correctly, however, he will say, "I knew this would happen soon. You want it so bad, fight for it!" The two of you will now duel to the death. Be forewarned; Tommy's skill with firearms is unmatched, so you're already at a disadvantage. You'll have to use your weaponry and your surroundings to the fullest if you're to win this battle. To date, none have beaten the Holder; if you fail as well, your bullet-riddled body will be nailed to the wall on the mansion, forever to be used as target practice for Tommy's goons. You will feel every bullet that goes inside you until someone worthy comes and defeats the Holder; your useless corpse will then be thrown into the ocean like foul waste, to be forever feasted upon by the denizens of the sea.

Should you be the one Seeker to finally destroy the Holder, proceed to kill everyone on your new property. You will meet no resistance; everyone you came across will be paralyzed with fear in the presence of the one who slew their master. Should anyone pledge their loyalty to you, let them live; you could use some goons of your own in the years to come. Once the estate is cleared of all not willing to swear their allegiance to you, shout as loud as you can, "VICE CITY IS MINE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! MINE!!!!!" Then take a seat where the Holder once rested; this is your throne now.

Vice City is Object 1986 of 2538. Never let anyone take it from you, whatever the cost may be.

The Holders Are Real

When they stumbled upon the Holders site - in the midst of trying different permutations of words for porn sites - they knew they had found paranormal gold. In the sense that it was something awesome they had to investigate, and not ghost treasure. Note to self: awesome idea for a children's book.

 

I checked my watch. "We don't have much time. Adult Swim will be on in five hours."

"Is that my watch?" said Robert.

"One of the many questions that only this journey can answer. If I'm not back in four hours, you get back in that car, go to my family, and tell them I love them. Then all of you come back and rescue me. I'm serious. Bring guns."

I entered the mental hospital. The woman at the front desk raised her eyebrows at my disheveled form. This was the point where I was supposed to ask for "The Holder of the End".

"Holder? I barely know her!"

I realized that I said the punchline out loud, which surely confused her. For her convenience, I said the whole thing, playing both sides of the exchange. Her jaw dropping open indicated how impressed she was by my uncanny wit.

I supposed I should get right to the point. "I'd like to see the Holder of the End." I leaned forward as much as I could to add inflection to my statement. She smelled like strawberries and oranges. I told her this. Her face became one of unmistakable childlike fear.

She started off into the mental institution. I could tell she was testing me. She twisted and turned through the hallways, trying to lose me, but I doggedly pursued her. She sent minions to get in my way, but my well-defined muscles shoved them aside easily.

I suddenly stopped. There was a mumbling that the story spoke of. It was coming from all around me. These people were dressed all the same, and staring right at me. They knew that I was an intruder here by how different I looked. My clothes were making me a target!

"I'm just passing through, I wish to talk!" I tried to say, but the medicine I took to calm my nerves also caused me to slur my words somewhat. However assured I was that they would understand anyway, they continued to close in around me.

I tried as hard as I could to find ways to skirt their suspicion but to no avail. They tried to stop me, but I made my way to the cell in question. I threw open the door to see the Holder himself, crouched in the corner, cradling his Object.

"Protect me, Master Chief," I prayed to myself, before asking the question.

It didn't work. His minions emerged from the walls, grabbing me with thousands of hands and dragging me into their dark abyss.

For those reading this, beware. The Holders are real. And they will devour you. Even if you follow the directions exactly, they will still devour you. I will remain locked in this dark abyss for all eternity. Can you avoid the same fate?

 

Mark "Doc" Antony was arrested on April 3rd on multiple charges at St. Gregory's Mental Hospital.

Witnesses state that after making inappropriate sexual advances on the receptionist, he then chased her throughout the complex. Upon being cornered by hospital staff, he apparently shouted a racial slur directed at the Bosnian peoples, stripped to nudity, before charging into a patient's room and aggressively attempting to steal their medication bottle.

Tests showed that he had taken a near-fatal dose of amphetamines beforehand, and is currently pending trial at the county courthouse. Robert Cole is being interviewed as a possible accomplice, despite his assertions that he does not know Antony whatsoever.

I Want a Divorce

Honestly. Sometimes I think you only married me for the free airfare.

I'm glad you love traveling. I love traveling. I wouldn't have gotten my pilot's license if I didn't. And I'm thrilled that you want to come with me on all my flights, even the long boring ones. But do we have to tour the halfway houses and mental institutions of every city? I don't know what you see in them, particularly since you never seem to get past the front desk. I was pretty embarrassed the first time you asked to see the Holder of something or other, even more embarrassed when they had to call security to get you to leave.

Don't act like you don't remember! They got four men to haul you away, kicking and screaming, while I followed behind apologizing for you! And then, when you'd finally calmed down you had the gall to yell at me for "getting in the way" and "distracting you". You invited me along, and I don't care if you only did it because I wanted to be involved in your hobbies. Oh yes, you remember now, don't you? Maybe you also remember why I stopped coming.

Oh, and the time I convinced you to go out clubbing with me instead, that was rich. You slumped against the wall like a sullen teenager at prom and then went over to bother the DJ. And I'm sorry that he didn't have anything by your favorite singer, but there was no reason to cause a scene. I mean, I've never even heard of "The Holder of Repose". What is he, some kind of rapper? I'm sick of you ruining our nights out and driving away all our friends. Even Daniel got tired of your bullshit, and he's been your friend since high school. And stop stroking that cat and telling me Daniel's still with us, because you look like an idiot doing it.

Stop crying. I'm not going to talk to you if you'll just cry and make a fuss.

No, this is not about sex. I don't care about your accident, though I wish you'd tell me the truth about how it happened. (I absolutely refuse to believe that a monk would do something like that, regardless of what you'd said to him.)

Though since you bring it up, I was never a fan of the way you made me call you "Seeker" and put up all those puzzles on the way to the bedroom. I wish I'd known how kinky you were when we started dating. Calling me "The Holder of Poontang" was just crude. And I wasn't exactly amused when you called me "Salmacis" either. I won't ask if you're having an affair with this Salmacis woman. There are frankly some things I just don't want to know.

Lord knows I've tried to make this marriage work, but my patience has run dry. You heard me, my patience has - what? Jim? You mean Jim who runs the auto parts store down the block? What does he have to do with this? God, I can't even talk to you anymore! I've brought the divorce papers, and I want you to sign them. Yes, today. The sooner the better.

You will? Good. Let's get this over with - thank you. I'll add my signature and -

Damn, the ink's gone dry. Can I borrow your pen?

Legion Spice

Hello, Holders.

Look at your Seeker, now look at me, now back at your Seeker, now BACK AT me.

Unfortunately, your Seeker isn't me. But he could seek like me if he stopped seeking pointless Objects like yours, and switched to Legion's Objects.

Look up, look down, where are we? We're at an insane asylum, with the Seeker your Seeker could seek like. Look down, look up again! It's a Seeker! With two Objects from those Holders you love. THE OBJECTS ARE NOW DIAMONDS!!! I'm stealing your Object!!!!1!!!111!!

The Object I replaced your stolen Objects with stolen is Object ABC of 538.

Anything is possible when your Seeker is Legion. You should know that by now.

 

-— Legion 😉

The Room at the Chapel

When I was young, I saw something I will never forget.

 

I was at a mass, because I had a catholic friend. I had to go to the bathroom, though. I slipped out, and looked around. I couldn't find it. I went to the first door I could find that didn't lead out or back into the sanctuary. Around the handle was wrapped a rosary. I pulled it off and stuffed it in my pocket, thinking it was cool. Then, I opened the door. Behind it, was nothing but darkness. I fumbled around the walls until I found a switch. Sitting in the dead center of the room was a small child. I looked at her, and, as I was outgoing then, said "Hi." She just tilted her head to the side and smiled. I asked her name. She began to giggle. Then, she opened her mouth. Inside, I could not see teeth, tongue, or anything else. It was an abyss. From that evil yawn came a bloodcurdling scream. I blacked out then.

When I woke up, I was back where I had been, in the sanctuary. Nothing had happened. I talked to my friend about it. Nothing. I looked for the door to show him. Nothing. Nothing but sheer wall. I started crying then and there.

When I returned to my mom, I told her my story. She didn't believe me. "Now, why would you make up a story like that?" "But I didn't! Please, please believe me!"

Then, she opened up her mouth and looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "Fresh" and had dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, nah. "Yo, homes! To Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to a house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie, "Yo, homes, smell ya later!" I looked at my kingdom and I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Seeker of Dope

They say that Seekers are doomed to an eternity of addiction and suffering. Dave just so happens to be one of those unlucky people. His story begins in a Taco Bell down the street from his apartment, where Dave has just succeeded in completing his task to receive the Chillum of Dope. With it comes a message; Object 420: have fun, easy on the sauce. Dave shook his head at this, questioning what great being could have created such a prophetic message.

On his journey home Dave gets a little bored, so decides to test his Object out. Being such a lonely stoner, Bob whips out his little baggy of "Californ-I-A-Home-grown" and loads it up. He shakily takes his lighter out and lights up.

At first, nothing happens and Dave thinks he got cheated, but suddenly he feels his soul being ripped from his body as he enters a void of happiness and poofy-clouds! Dave enjoys his time here and spends it laughing and trying to remember where he left the remote at. Buuut just as quickly as it began, it ends.

All he knows is falling. Dave is so confused, why is he falling, where has he been, what the hell is going on!

"Hells right, sugar tits!" an eerie voice chants.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" is the only response Dave can offer.

The eerie voice retorts with a sickening cackle, "E-he-he-he-ho-cough-ha-h"

Suddenly, Dave hits the ground with such force that his skeleton hops right out through his feet!

"What horror is THIS?" Dave exclaims.

"Uh-ah...uhm...yeah, you're in hell."

"Really?"

"No, your due to return to your body riigggght..."

"Now?"

"No, in about three hours."

Dave becomes outraged by this statement and began swinging widely toward the voice. His body is found without intestines, bones, or hair. Moral of the story, marijuana is bad, and only you have the power to prevent a forest fire.