First Floor

[Initial interview with Optimist #104]

 

Agent Smiles: Hello! This is the initial interview with Optimist #104 on the first floor of Happiness. Say hello, #104.

104: Um, hello?

Agent Smiles: Very good! You are great at doing what you are told to do. This is an awesome skill to begin with on your way to Happiness!

104: Can you tell me what we're doing here?

Agent Smiles: I don't like saying no, it is a SAD word. So first question! What is your full name?

104: Debbie Nixon. Uh, Debra Nixon. I go by Debbie...

Agent Smiles: Here, you will be called #104! How exciting! Now, what is your age?

104: 29.

Agent Smiles: Awesome answers! Thanks for being honest, because we'd know if you were lying! And lying is not a part of Happiness. Now question three, what is your race?

104: Latina, or Chicana. Whichever.

Agent Smiles: Hm, I will mark 'non-white.'

104: You seriously only have white and non-white?

Agent Smiles: Question 4! This is a big one, 104, so please do your best to answer it honestly. We are watching! So, what brought you to Choose Happiness™!?

104: (Pause) I guess I came here because I am out of places to turn. Everything kept going wrong in my life. I felt...I feel depressed. Sad. Hopeless. All the buzzwords from your ad. I could barely make myself get up in the morning. I went through the motions but it felt like I wasn't really alive. Things happened to me, instead of with me.

It started when Nick left. It made no sense. We were so happy, so in love. I know for a fact he bought a ring because I accidentally found it in his sock drawer. There were no signs he wasn't happy. And when he told me he was leaving, he was crying. Like he didn't really want to go. I asked if there was another woman and he insisted there wasn't. He said he had to do it. It was almost like someone was forcing him to leave me, but that makes no sense. Last I heard, he had moved back in with his sister, who was in a near-fatal accident just before we broke up.

After Nick left, of course I was a mess. But I wasn't this bad. I could have survived it. But... then I lost my job. That also came completely out of the blue. I worked at this amazing bookstore and business was great. I loved all of my co-workers, especially my boss. He was like a second father to me. When he called me into his office, he was crying. He said he had to let me go. He had no choice. I asked him what I had done to deserve it. I was always on time, rarely called in sick...but he didn't give me any answers. He said he would miss me but I had to leave. So now two important people in my life had kicked me out of theirs, with no reason.

Then my mom stopped calling me. She said she was busy but I know there was something else. My family never picked up my phone calls. My friends seemed to disappear one by one. My circle was getting smaller and smaller.

I hit rock bottom when I slept with some guy at a bar. He didn't want to use condoms and I suppose I was too drunk to care. He was gone when I woke up in the morning. I never did things like that! I'm too scared to go for a pregnancy test or STD test. I just wanted it to be over. Depression is... I felt like I was dying, alone, and no one wanted to help me.

But then I found your flyer. Something about the wording sounded good. Familiar. Welcoming. When I called, the person on the other end said they cared about me. It was indescribable.

Agent Smiles: And what did they tell you about the program?

104: That is was an intensive, inpatient program designed to get to the root of depression and dig it out. They asked if I could spend a few weeks or more here, and, of course, I said yes. No boyfriend and no job meant I was free as a bird. They even said they would pay my rent while I was gone!

Agent Smiles: Our organization believes that change is possible, 104. It just takes a little time and a lot of sacrifice.

104: I am willing to do whatever it takes. I just need to know what this program actually is. Is it therapy?

Agent Smiles: Everyone always asks that. You have to trust us. If you don't, it won't work. And you'll never get what you want. Choose Happiness™! is a state of mind, created by altering events around you until you become aware.

104: Aware of what?

Agent Smiles: You wouldn't want me to ruin the surprise, would you?

 

[This initial interview was conducted November 1st, 2018. Optimist #104 was successfully attained after the HNTR protocol was established. All related parties are accounted for and have been neutralized. #104 will now move on to Happiness floor 2 for cleansing.]

Second Floor

[The following is an entry in the Joy Journal of Optimist #104. At the time of writing, #104 was housed on the second floor of Happiness.]

 

Hello.

Do you say hello to a diary? The lemons call it a Joy Journal. I don't know why they can't just use normal words for things. A diary is a joy journal. A meal is a fulfillment. A bed is a catcher. They don't teach us the words but somehow expect us to know them? We get punished if we don't use the right words. Oh, and punishment is called therapy.

The second floor is a lot different from the first. The first floor was pretty tame. I got asked a lot of questions by the lemons. Some of them were normal: name, age, etc. Some were sort of weird: date of last period, blood type, and favorite flower. And then, there were the really uncomfortable questions. They wanted to know what kind of sex I liked and whether or not I liked the taste of cum. I didn't want to answer but they said it was for my own benefit. They said they were helping me.

Now I'm not really sure.

Things are just... off. Like, I can't wear my street clothes, I have to wear these uncomfortable peach scrubs. Everyone wears a different color. Some people have stains near their private parts. I stay away from those people. They freak me out. They walk funny and some of them have really long tongues.

The lemons make us - oh, shit, I have to tell you who the lemons are. They're the bosses around here. Technically, we're supposed to call them Agents. You can pick them out because they are always smiling. They usually wear yellow, which is where the nickname came from. My bunkmate, Lucy, told me about it. She said she always makes a sour face when they turn their backs. She's funny. She lost everything before coming here, just like me. I'm supposed to call her #99 but when we're just alone we can use our real names. It makes me feel good when she calls me Debbie.

Anyway, like I was trying to say, the lemons makes us focus on a particular subject for each floor of the building. The second floor question is, "What do you lust for?" So I've been thinking about it for a few days. What do I lust for?

I was thinking about the question when I spotted someone I never thought I'd see again. Right before joining Choose Happiness, I slept with some guy at a bar. I don't remember his name and he was gone before I woke up. I still feel icky just thinking about it. What a stupid mistake. I never did stuff like that.

This guy - he is here! At the program!! I saw him during fulfillment at another table. He didn't look good. Super pale, especially for a black guy. He could barely lift his fork. I avoided eye contact because I was embarrassed. What do you say to a one-night-stand that is apparently just as depressed at you are? Lucy would not stop making fun of me for it. "I know exactly who you lust for," she taunted.

"Been there, done that," I joked back.

I knew I needed to at least talk to him. I wanted to make sure he was okay. Plus... I kind of wanted to ask if he had any STDs. We didn't exactly use a condom when we slept together...

The next day, I found him standing by the library (P.S., the library is just a series of shelves with pamphlets on random things. No actual books.). I approached him slowly. I didn't want to freak him out. "Hey there, um, do you remember me?" I tried to smile but I'm sure it looked more confused than 'happy.'

He slowly raised his eyes to my gaze. His smile never wavered. "Of course, I remember you. I'm #116." His voice was raspy but soft.

"I just wanted to say hello since we're in this program thing together. They call me #104." I honestly have never felt so awkward before. I realized that his periwinkle scrubs had a large stain near his crotch. Just like some of the others.

He took a step toward me. "I am actually leaving today! I have Chosen Happiness!"

"Damn, good for you!" Something was wrong with him. I couldn't place a finger on it. "I wish I knew how to get out."

He stumbled a little on his feet. "My problem was lust, #104. It was the incident with you that put me over the edge. But the Agents... they helped me. They showed me the way. I can finally rest."

I put a hand on his arm, trying to help him remain steady. "I'm so glad they helped you. But we just had a one-night-stand. Was that all it took?"

"I was lustful, #104."

"Please, my name is Debbie."

"NO!" he yelled and backed up against the wall. I was stunned. "No names. No names."

"I'm sorry, I just -"

"They fixed me. I'm better now. The thing is gone. I can't do it again, even if I wanted to. I am Happy. HAPPY." I saw a lemon out of the corner of my eye walking toward us.

"What thing is gone?" I asked, but I knew. I saw the stain and I knew.

"My lust."

The lemon reached us and took #116 by the arm. "Are you causing trouble, #104?" Her words were angry, despite the joyful look on her face.

"Uh, no. No. Sorry."

The lemon escorted #116 away. I watched them, unable to close my mouth. They... maimed him. And he is happy about it? I looked around and saw others with similar stains. They were cutting off people's... all in the name of happiness?

I booked it back to my catcher and curled up. I didn't realize what I had gotten myself into. This was a serious program. I didn't want what happened to #116 to happen to me. God, no, anything but that. I think I was crying because my pillow was getting wet. I remembered something a lemon told me recently. "It gets worse before it gets better."

Lucy entered and sat on my catcher. She stroked my hair. "You finally realized what this floor is for."

"How could they do this? I don't want that!"

"Sh, sh. They'll hear you." Her voice was soft and calming. "They don't do it to everyone. Only people who have lust problems. They castrate the men and... separate the clit from the women. But don't worry. I don't think lust is your issue."

I sat up and stared at her. "Am I safe here?"

She frowned. Carefully, she pulled up the sleeve of her top to reveal a scattering of scars. "When you're this depressed, there is no safe place. So I guess this is as safe as anywhere else."

I can't sleep. I keep imagining the lemons holding me down, forcing my legs open. Did they go in with a smile? Did they know what was going to happen to them? I'm going to stop writing for the night. Even if I do sleep, I'm only going to have nightmares. I'll end this entry by answering the question the lemons asked me. What do I lust for?

I lust for answers.

 

[Optimist #104 was successfully moved from the second floor to the third without incident. #116 was released into the holding pen for washing, but was deemed too dangerous to the progress of #104. #116 was eradicated directly afterward. His remains were recycled into the fulfillment program.]

Third Floor

[The following is a performance evaluation of Agent Giggles written by her supervisor, Agent Smiles.]

 

I, Agent Smiles, operator of human relations, peacemaker, and devout follower of Choose Happiness™!, have come to conclusion that we must remove Agent Giggles.

I do not know why I got my hopes up with this one. She consistently disappointed and allowed her optimist too much leeway. It is almost as if she enjoys that her optimist is Depressed. I have come across far too many agents like her and in order for our operation to succeed, we need to cut the fat.

If recollection serves me right, and it always does, Agent Giggles was recruited from the German branch of Choose Happiness™! She was selected for her skills as a chef and innovator in the kitchen. She could make anything taste delicious. Roadkill, rotten fruit, decaying meat - she made it taste like we were eating at a five-star restaurant. I was personally impressed and we all felt she would make an excellent addition to the third floor.

Her appearance left something to be desired. She had a sullen face and broad cheeks. Before she could start at our headquarters, she had to be fitted with the Smile Machine. For agents not familiar, it is a common training tool we use in the United States. The Smile Machine is a contraption that brightens the demeanor of an agent. A band slips over the ears and two hooks are inserted into the sides of the mouth. The band is then tightened to increase smile potential.

She was a quick learner. Agent Giggles graduated from the Smile Machine in only four weeks, ten weeks quicker than most. A pleasant side-effect was that, because of the forced drooling and lack of teeth movement, she lost almost fifteen pounds. You can never be too thin, as you all know.

Unfortunately, she was not the Agent I hoped she would be. My precious intuition failed me. I will repent for what I have done, as will everyone who works for me.

Her very first assignment went smoothly, I will admit. She was preparing meals for one of our gluttonous optimists. She created her meals in such a way that made him think he was eating everything he wanted, but was actually eating only three hundred calories a day. He grew more and more Happy as the pounds melted away. It was a remarkable sight. The bones began to show. They pressed against his flesh as if they wanted to escape. His skin sagged like those naughty frowns we do not allow. His hair fell out. He overcame his gluttony quickly, weighing in at ninety pounds.

It was disappointing that he could not maintain his Happiness, but his ribs made an excellent Fulfillment the next evening.

Agent Giggles' most recent assignment did not go as smoothly as the last, to say the least.

She was to prepare third floor meals for optimist #104. #104 has shown some signs of Sadness, which, of course, cannot be tolerated. Although gluttony was not her particular problem, it was of the utmost importance to keep her Happy. We learned that she knew a man who failed on the second floor. #104 was concerned that, perhaps, Choose Happiness™! was not for her. This could not stand.

I, myself, had a serious conversation with Agent Giggles. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that optimist #104 could not consume over five hundred calories a day. She had to feel hungry at all times. This hunger, as we know, would fuel her enthusiasm for the program. Agent Giggles agreed to this assignment. I remember her smile clearly, cheeks still scarred from the Smile Machine.

The first few days went well. #104 requested more Fulfillment, but was denied. She complained to multiple Agents, who all repeated the lines we have practiced. "You'll never be hungry if you are Happy." I was told she cried herself to sleep. This, of course, was wonderful news.

But Agent Giggles decided, on her own, to change the program for #104. An informant let me know that #104 spoke to Agent Giggles and introduced herself with her old name. Blasphemous! Agent Giggles at first resisted this breach of protocol, but soon began to connect with #104, even revealing her own old name. This alone is cause for annihilation.

She began feeding #104 extra food in the night, when she thought no one would see. #104 stopped crying in her bed. She stayed late during Fulfillment to learn German words from Agent Giggles, including banned words (murder, death, cult.)

I am shaking as I type this. My anger is quelled only by my Happiness. I trust the program and know firsthand the glory of Choose Happiness™!. To see one of my Agents disregard protocol so drastically is excruciating to me.

My recommendation: Immediately remove Agent Giggles from her post and replace her with Agent Tickles. Although young, Agent Tickles is a true believer. As far as Therapy, I would like to see Agent Giggles utilize the Grinner. This is the only way I can feel Happy. I want her to feel Happy again. This is the only way.

 

Signed,

Agent Smiles

 

[Agent Giggles was remanded to the Grinner just as Agent Smiles requested. The Grinner is, of course, the extreme version of the Smile Machine. She was hung by her lips ten feet in the air, smiling wider than she ever had in her life. Unfortunately, her smile was not strong enough and her face ripped. The fall was what broke her back. The blood loss ended her life. It is truly ceremonious that she could be returned to Fulfillment and finish the circle.]

[#104 was placed back on the correct diet and moved to the fourth floor, where she will be safe.]